SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventists everywhere have been given 24 hours to sign a 14-page document professing agape love for carob.
The document is full of confusing legalese promising “serious consequences” for those who do not sign the document.
Thousands of members have said that they can’t, in good conscience, sign the document as they absolutely hate all things carob.
“Not only do I find carob to be absolutely disgusting but I have also tasted a far better alternative: chocolate,” said Emi Nemm, a Danish Union representative. “You guys can’t just spring these kinds of requirements upon us. Nobody in my part of the world will ever want to bake with carob.”
Pacific Union Conference spokesperson Holly Wood spoke up saying that the 14-page document had left a bad taste in her mouth that was almost as bad as a carob chip cookie.
“Carob has nothing to do with my relationship with God or the effectiveness of my ministry,” said Wood. “If you keep pushing this we could end up alienating half the church.”