“Brazil’s soccer World Cup has become the most divisive issue to hit the world church since drums,” said an urgent General Conference directive sent to pastors around the world. “Any further viewing of the World Cup tournament by Seventh-day Adventist members is hereby forbidden.”
According to the directive, the unusual action was taken as a response to the “atmosphere of chaos and division” that has descended upon the world headquarters of the church since the beginning of the tournament.
“After the United States win against Ghana, GC employees from the two countries have been openly antagonistic toward each other,” said GC Communications Director Sam Tanoya. “And that’s just the start, as more and more country teams are getting eliminated from the World Cup, our productivity as church leaders has plummeted and there have been several heated hallway exchanges.”
“As a church we have always been against competitive sports. There is a reason for that,” said Wendy Franklin, part of the team that drafted up the directive. “Even mature church leaders have turned into face-painted monsters since this tournament began and shoving matches have broken out in our parking lot.”
The GC acknowledges that banning World Cup viewing will be tough to enforce but says that generous funding is being deployed in the effort.
“No cause could be more urgent or worthy than regulating the television viewing habits of our 18 million members,” concluded the directive.
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Oh, for heaven’s sake.
I find this utterly ridiculous. These adult leaders in our church fighting over a World Cup series to the point of the church considering using “generous” funding to try and have these leaders in our church come to their senses. We have people all over the world dying without knowing Christ, or wanting to be part of the Adventist School system, but unable to do so financially. There is no justification in church monies going to a group of adults. These leaders have a lot more issues than disagreeing over a World Cup match if they have come to the point of arguing and fighting over who should, or should not win. There is absolutely no reason to have to make a proclamation stating Adventists are forbidden to watch the competition. These people should be incredibly ashamed of themselves and like all of us evaluate their behavior, and daily repent and give this to Christ.
It’s called satire for a reason…
It’s a joke!
I really do hope so
Couldn’t be put in better words. We have one mission and one mission alone, which is to spread his word to every crevice of this world!
Hook, line and sinker…
FYI——It’s natural for our people to fill -in the blanks: Yes, it’s personal human behavior, but not connected to the Church conduct. Nothing wrong with siding a team @ the World Cup or the NBA Finals. It’s just natural for some of our people to select their own teams to compete. Remember, the Lord says- ….occupy till I come.” This is one scenario to occupy our time with what’s in the world right now, especially sports, as long as your connection with the God won’t be disrupted by this things that comes to pass.
it says satirical. read first before you put your heart all out haha
I’m an Adventist and I am appalled by this stupid statement from the gc. The fact that he said “control members” is the most sickening thing I’ve heard from a church. And is a huge reason why Adventists leave the church every day. Now you’re saying you’re going to use offerings to “enforce” this.
Yeah, because that’s exactly what Christ would do. He’d take money to try to control people.
This is one of the huge things wrong with our church. I’ll be at my dad’s house (Adventist pastor) watching the USA tonight if anyone needs me.
So it’s satire. Satire is like the older, dumber brother of joking via text that make hack writers feel clever and funny when they should just stick to ComiCon with all the other dorks.
Nope. Satire is the younger, more clever brother. Not everyone is bright enough to understand it.
If you resent it, you must not have the gift!
What’s next? No ordaining women? No more “SDA” card games? No different than here in GNYC with Yankee & Met fans going at each other!! Woe to any Red Sox fan that shows up in GNYC territory!! Read the Wall Street Journal of June 20 and see what the LDS (Mormon) leadership is going to do with a couple of dissidents. What would happen if the SDA leadership made this kind of decision? Watch out!!
I hope this is a joke and someone made it up.
You may justify your “joke” as satire, yet your jest creates division, intended or otherwise. Setting people against each other, whether it be sports or ideology, creates en environment of tension and ultimately erosion. Is that your intent?
Actually, the satire here helps me (and a lot of my Adventist friends including my pastor) to see how we can change our ideology to be more accepting and kind and reasonable.
This website takes away some of the stress of going to church with judgmental hypocritical nuts.
I have come to the conclusion that those on this site who take these stories seriously must be also pulling our legs, except without the many disclaimers that make it very clear all these stories are satire. (Sigh) At least I sure hope this is the case…..
Please someone do something to ban this website, they’re a copyrighted name!!
Who eve this is, with love I’ll tell you:
“And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.(Matt 5:29KJV)”
…do your self a favor and chopped your fingers before your write another insult like this one.
This is hysterical! Loved it. Here’s hoping more readers will understand the HUMOR in this article.