Adventist song services to be auto-tuned

This changes everything.
This changes everything.

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Due to what has been described as an epidemic of bad praise and worship leading in Seventh-day Adventism, every church will have an auto-tune feature fitted to their PA systems to correct the mistakes of song leaders.

The decision was approved by General Conference President Ted Wilson, who said that his ears were “physically hurting” after decades of touring Adventist churches and being subjected to the best and, more often, the worst of Adventist singing.

Although the decision comes with the considerable cost of retrofitting the entire denomination’s PA systems, GC spokesperson Oye Nomas said, “You can’t put a price on quality song services or special music numbers.

“The Aventist Church will bear any price in this quest to correct the bad singing of far too many of our brothers and sisters,” said Nomas.


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      1. Ray Kraft

        How about an auto-corrrection feature for sermons, kinda like spelling correction on my computer only way better? The auto correct sermon feature turns terminally boring sermons into great and fascinating sermons, and the preacher doesn’t even know it. He just gets the credit ‘cuz everybody thinks it’s really him, the auto correct sermon software is that good.

        1. Seminary Dean

          Great idea. It would significantly improve our budget because we will no longer need to pay professors to teach Homiletics. “If you build it, they will come.” Go for it!

        2. Theo Cruise

          Sorry Ray … That technology is already in use in the Silver Swamp offices! Will Tedson was posting about it on the top secret mail server in use in his office (little does he know that hundreds of us are hacking in daily)! Top secrets from the *UCCW are sharing Trumpish plans daily through his classified server (the auto correct function erased every comment appearing to be “new light”, forward thinking, or affirmative of any progressive idea in general! Seems to be working very, very well to this point!

          *** United Clans Condemning Women

  1. Jeb Kush

    The praise team in my church definitely needs auto-tune and any other help they can get. Have mercy! The pastor should just pipe in music from the local Christian radio station.

  2. millie richards

    This one lady keeps showing up in my church, begging to sing special music. We let her do it once, and we quickly learned our lesson. She can’t carry a tune in a bucket. Not even in a dump truck. AutoTune wouldn’t even help her. Making a “joyful noise” is one thing; sounding like the screeching of fingernails scraping a chalkboard, is another thing. Please folks, if you can’t sing, don’t sing!

  3. richard mills

    Auto/Schmato-what’s this beloved SDA church coming to? Let’s get back to the old time Millerite/Sylvester Bliss/ Fannie Crosby, Frank Belden music. That was music with heart & soul in it!
    So much of this praise type music is sickening, disgusting, irreverent, unbiblical, too much repetition. Woe is all of us!!

    1. millie richards

      I prefer the wild praise band of the early Indiana camp-meetings where E.G. White says people were jumping over the pews and rolling on the floor, overcome by the beat of the drum.

      1. richard mills

        YO, Millie-That crazy bunch in Indiana was told in no uncertain terms to cool it or else! Some did-some did not. The ” did nots” went over to the new Pentecostal types. We should return to the historic Advent singing.

  4. Ruth Bladder Ginsing

    By the way, I regret saying that Trump will be a disaster. I regret saying that I can’t fathom him being President. I regret saying that I will move to New Zealand if he wins. I regret saying that he is a faker. I “regret” these things so much, that I just had to repeat it again for emphasis! After all, how would anybody know what I claim to “regret” unless I repeat it again?

  5. Howard Hues

    Last Sabbath I went to hear the praise team at a new SDA church that meets in a storefront. There is a sign: “Must Wear Shirt and Shoes.” I said, “Really? That’s all?”

  6. Hugh Heiffer

    Recent surveys by sociologists at Andrews University reveal that 99% of SDA women do not believe in pre-marital sex. Further, approximately half of them do not believe in post-marital sex, either.

  7. Krystal Ball

    I am a perfect predictor of the future. Some would call me a prophet.
    Don’t believe it? Look:

    ‍ ‍ ‍ • ‍ Donald Trump will say something divisive or offensive tomorrow.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ • ‍ Ben Carson will say something wacky or weird tomorrow.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ • ‍ Hillary Clinton will say something dubious or insincere tomorrow.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ • ‍ BarelyAdventist will post something clever or witty tomorrow.

    Just watch and see if I’m not right!

  8. Concerned

    Three more police officers killed today (July 17, 2016) in Louisiana. It’s getting to the point where I don’t feel safe living in America. The violence has to stop. Blue lives matter. And who is going to protect all the other lives that matter, when the blue lives are gone?

  9. Steve Pretorius

    What about the churches that have really good singing? Do they want to spoil that?
    Wait for heaven when we will all have perfect pitch! or maybe I do not understand exactly what is being proposed. I do not usually disagree with GC policies. If I have it right the lady in picture led out in a worship song service at the last GC session. Some churches may not like that sort of leader. With the variety of nationalities and customs and music styles in our denomination around the world how can we regulate all singing?

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