Badventists start own denomination


EVERYWHERE — No longer a made-up name for Adventists Starbucks gold card holders, Badventists have officially started their own denomination.

Newly minted members across the Adventist world have thrown pretence to the wind, donned jewelry that would make the cast of Jersey Shore blush and toasted the launch of Badventism with a glass of Napa Chardonnay.

“Never again will I have to wake up to get to church on Sabbath morning or duck for cover when I see an Adventist at Olive Garden after the service,” said third generation Badventist Leo Dacia, taking a sip from his triple shot frappuccino.

Dacia bemoaned his purchase of a Glory Star dish last year saying the extra cash could have been handy at his Wednesday night Bible browsing/Texas Hold ’em men’s group.

Although Dacia admitted that there was “a kernel of truth tucked in the pharisaical haystack that is Adventism,” he felt it best to dispense with all the baggage and move forward with the main tenets of Badventism: potluck, Big Franks and the occasional Nutty Bar.




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  1. The Badventist has an interesting name, “Leo Dacia.” He must be part of Laodicea. Anybody involved in a Wednesday night “Bible browsing/Texas Hold โ€™em” poker-playing menโ€™s group must be lukewarm. As for “donning jewelry that would make the cast of Jersey Shore blush,” his girlfriend may want to read to see what God thinks about it.

  2. Jared Spence

    If the the main tenets of Badventism are potlucks, Big Franks, and the occasional Nutty Bar, then I’m confused. How is that different from the main tenets of Adventism?

  3. richard mills

    I’m gonna start a new denomination for MADVENTISTS. They are mad about the SDA politics and its consequences. When that one fails, I’m gonna start one for the GLADVENTISTS. They are always glad to see you in church, Starbucks, Olive Garden, WalMart’s, Chick-Filet, Dunkin Donuts, Baskin/Robbins, etc. Also, they have a habit of looking through your shopping cart to see what you have for groceries. Like dairy stuff, things with animal shortening, unusual liquids, sugary items, whole wheat items. gluten-free stuff. If that one fails, I’m gonna begin the WHATTA/ADVENTISTS. They always want to know what you are doing in the above mentioned places. And maybe a few other unmentionable places. You know, curious minds!! Worst scenario of all is winding up being a SADVENTIST. Now, WOE iz me!!

    1. millie richards

      Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
      Lutherans don’t recognize the Pope as head of the church.
      Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.
      Adventists don’t recognize each other in Walmart 1 minute after sunset on Friday evening.

  4. richard mills

    YO, Leo Dacia-You must also include a handful of Little Debbies for good measure. I never leave home without them goodies. They come in handy during the offertory.

  5. Michelle O'Bomber

    Melanin Tramp’s speechwriters must be members of this Badventist denomination. How dare they borrow a couple of sentences from my 2008 speech. That is plagiarism of the worst kind — even worse than what Ellen Why was accused of!

  6. In 2012 I decided to become an atheist – because I had never tasted coffee or alcohol, and I wanted to – but didn’t want to be evil or feel shame – so I chose to not believe any more – now that this new religion has been invented, I might get back into God-believing ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Pingback: Facing Doubt: Some Meta Musings | Tom de Bruin

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