Adventist pews rated least comfortable in Christendom


WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a Pew Research Center survey of Christian attitudes toward the comfort level of their church pews, Seventh-day Adventists have given their pews the worst rating of any denomination surveyed.

“I honestly don’t know what they are doing with my offering money,” said Berrien Springs-based third generation Adventist, Leo Dacia. “My church hasn’t spent a dime on pews since Emmanuel Missionary College became Andrews University.”

Adventist members from around the world backed up their low ratings with pictures of rickety plastic and metal folding chairs; IKEA stools in various stages of assembly or disrepair and threadless, discolored pew cushions.

Although irritated church member theories abound, many Adventists surveyed assumed that theirs pew were deliberately designed to minimize comfort so as to keep congregants alert. Dacia was convinced that “rather than cutting their sermons short, our preachers are counting on awful seating arrangements to keep us awake in services.”



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    1. Lazy Boy Bill

      Even the most comfortable pew is not as comforting as my bed. They should at least install Lazy Boy recliners in the sanctuary. People learn better when relaxed. There’s even some evidence that people can learn in their sleep. It worked for me. I used to put my textbooks under my pillow, and I passed Kindergarten with flying colors.

  1. Ray Kraft

    Pews are not suposed to lull us into a misbegotten sense of comfort.

    Pews are supposed to remind us that if we aren’t really really good Adventists we will have a very miserable eternal life sitting on hard wood pews for billions of trillions of years in hell.

  2. Richard Mills

    You do what my church did years ago. They added nice soft padding to match the other decor. No sleeping here. The only sleeping is done by the pastor’s sermon and those who insist on working Friday nights 11-7 or any part of the graveyard shift. Are pews Biblical? Is it of pagan origin? Did the RC’s do this to infiltrate the SDA Church? Bless my gluteus maximus.
    I need some direction on this topic. Let’s form a committee. Reports are due by the next GC in 2020. Woe iz me!

  3. Richard Mills

    Another question-Will there be pews in Heaven? How are we going to rest on the 7 day journey to Heaven in the last days? Are there pews along the way on that preciptious cliff? I have so many questions. So little time. To sleep in the pew or not to sleep? That is the theological question to end 2015. Woe iz me!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Attila the Honey

      Don’t be silly, Richard,
      ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍You know we’ll be floating on clouds and playing harps. There is no need of pews, and pews are hard to nail down to clouds. Question answered; dilemma resolved. Have a nice day.
      ~ Attila the Hun

  4. Hilarious Clinton

    “O give me a pew
    where the churchgoers roam,
    Where dear kids and the cantaloupe play.
    Where seldom is heard a loud snoring sound
    And the skies are not cloudy all day.”

    1. Donald Dump

      Give it up, Hillary. You’ll never be as good of a comedian or poet as I am. Now go back to Benghazi. P.S. Say hello to Bill, if he’s not too busy chasing “that woman.”

    2. Ben Car-sin

      That’s not fair, Hillary. The media hasn’t scrutinized you as much as me. If the liberal left-wing socialist media would just listen to what I said, they would see that I didn’t mean what I said; and only the “stupid voters of America” would think that I meant what I said; the really smart voters would just intuitively know that I meant something different from what I said.

      And anyone who asks me about what I said (the words I actually spoke) simply has an agenda; they’re among the “stupid voters” who can’t understand that I mean something totally different from what I say. (I speak a special code language, sort of like Opposite Day.) OK, there you have it. Now write than down in your little black book and put quotes around it. But DON’T ask me about it, because I’ll quickly inform you that your just being an unfair liberal left-wing socialist reporter with an agenda.

      Cool? Now listen to my hip-hop commercial and vote for me — or I’ll perform a lobotomy on you just like I offered to do on O’Bama, to cure him of that horrible “Obamacare” disease that’s worse than slavery.

      Wait! I’m getting a call from Joseph in the Pyramids; he wants advice on how to store the grain there. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ with it (until I backtrack and tell you that this is not what I meant).

  5. bugs

    I thought my pain and suffering was from the distress of the 1844 disappointment but now I know it had a physical cause. I was going to sue the Millerites, but this is way better. I could end up owning the White Estate! How many rooms does it have?

    1. Burny "Colonel" Sanders

      The White Estate has enough rooms to keep the vast right-wing conspiracy busy writing conspiracy stories for the next millennium. And the Millerites Estate has enough rooms to keep Hilarious Clinton busy concocting excuses for her illegal private e-mail server, while Bill ponders what the meaning of “is” is (as he studiously avoids inhaling the same thing that O’Bama and I gladly admitted inhaling and would like to inhale more of).

  6. Richard Mills

    Latest News Flash!! That “My Pillow” guy is donating his pillows to any church that can come up with a new jingle. Free installation. Free Delivery. Just in time for the holidays. Send us you composition right away. PO Box 1844, Takoma Park, MD.

  7. Larry

    Please put a “Like” button in the remarks. That will save having to repeat the remarks. For me, almost all sermons put me to sleep. It doesn’t matter how uncomfortable the pews are.
    Thank God for giving us Iphones! Now I can play solitaire during the sermon, while waiting for the preacher to shut-up so I can do what God intended church to be. A place to see my friends.

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