Walla Walla students pray for Second Coming “before Finals Week”


College Place, Wash. — Hundreds of Walla Walla University students huddled together this morning to pray for what students leaders called a “pre-Finals Week Second Coming.”

Winter Quarter finals take place next week and faculty, staff and a delighted Campus Ministries department have noticed a religious fervor unlike anything ever seen, sweep over the campus.

“Even students that I regularly see napping in chapel have dropped everything to join prayer meetings that go on for hours in groups spread all over campus,” said Chaplain Morre Preyer.

Students have reportedly abandoned any thought of studying class notes, choosing instead to become ardent biblical scholars, scouring prophecy charts and quizzing campus-based Daniel and Revelation experts for any clue that the Second Coming could take place even sooner than believed.

The only grumbles around campus seem to come from conflicted professors, torn between a reluctance to dampen the unprecedented student spiritual revival and the usual crush to concoct gotcha exam questions.

A church history professor who requested anonymity could not contain himself: “History has a way of repeating itself and if these kids don’t crack open some textbooks, next week will bring nothing but great disappointment.”



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  1. Will Miller

    As the history prof said, “History has a way of repeating itself and if these kids don’t crack open some textbooks, next week will bring nothing but great disappointment.” I should know. I’m still getting over the Great Disappointment of 1844. Sometimes I roll in my grave, just thinking about it!

  2. Richard Mills

    “O ye of little faith, have ye not read what the prophets prophesied? Ye are to study to show yourselves to be approved, not disapproved.” Josiah 3:16 The prophet Hezekiah says, “Open and it shall opened unto you what ye shall know. He that hath an eye, let him readeth for understanding. ” Hezekiah 4:10 Donald Trump say, “Get crackin’ with those textbooks ASAP or whatever you use at that school.”

  3. On ye den of evolutionists, doubters, anti-creationists under construction, repent of your edjukated Walla wallowing and lurn from the red books all ye need to no. I seen Jesus don’t like you and wants you to quit interrupting while busy he in 2nd department. He hopes ya’ll flunk and his cloudmoblie is still being repaired so he ain’t coming. Bugs 6:66-66.

  4. Ray Kraft

    Since a day is as a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years as a day, it may be that the 2300 day prophecy may actually foretell 2,300,000 years before the Second Coming, so, probably not before exams.

  5. Ben Carsinogen

    Those students better study because God won’t always tell them the exam answers like He told me at Yale, and like He told me to run for President. If the liberal left-wing socialist media would just listen to what I said, they would see that I didn’t mean what I said; and only the “stupid voters of America” would think that I meant what I said; the really smart voters would just intuitively know that I meant something different from what I said. For example, when I said the Chinese are in Syria, I meant the Bulgarians are in Japan. When I said Muslims should not be the President, I meant tricycles should not drive on the highway.

    And anyone who asks me questions about what I said (the words I actually spoke) simply has an agenda; they’re among the “stupid voters” who can’t understand that I mean something totally different from what I say. (I speak a special code language, sort of like Opposite Day.) OK, there you have it. Now write than down in your little black book and put quotes around it. But DON’T ask me about it, because I’ll quickly inform you that you’re being an unfair liberal left-wing socialist reporter with an agenda if you quote the words that I actually said instead of the hidden secret code meaning that I allegedly intended.

    Cool? Now listen to my hip-hop commercial and vote for me — or I’ll perform a lobotomy on you just like I offered to do on O’Bama, to cure him of that horrible “Obamacare” disease that’s worse than slavery.

    Wait! I’m getting a call from Joseph in the Pyramids; he wants advice on how to store the grain there. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ with it (until I backtrack and tell you that this is not what I meant).

  6. Elisha's Bears

    If the theology professor’s truly believed what they teach about Jesus’ soon coming they wouldn’t be writing up the exams at all. Just shows that they don’t really believe!

    I’m sick of how just about every camp meeting theme being about Jesus coming back soon. Revved up every year. It’s a joke! Just as much a satire as anything on Barely Adventist!

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