Los Angeles, Calif. — Researchers at the University of Southern California have discovered that some of the quirks shared among Adventists are the result of intense inbreeding.
“Adventists are so inbred they give royal families a run for their money,” said USC spokesperson Hecho Asombroso. “It took us no time at all to realize that Adventists are related to each other to a troubling degree.”
Asombroso said that the inbreeding had affected Adventist genes to the point where Adventists are genetically predisposed to “peculiar trends” such as guaranteed sleepiness on Saturday afternoons.
Asombroso said that the Adventist gene pool also means that single members find it deeply romantic to pair up on Friday evening vespers dates that involve sitting perfectly still in a pew for an hour unless you are enjoying the scintillating experience of singing from a shared hymn book.
“The oddities are endless when it comes to Adventists and involve everything from dress to diet to beliefs about angels and theaters,” said Asombroso.
He suggested the denomination increase its evangelisation efforts so as to bring in some untainted blood.