Adventist deacons issued Super Soakers to wake up church nappers

Armed deacons.
Armed deacons.

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist deacons have received the ultimate weapon to combat napping in church: Super Soakers.

Shipments of the high-power water guns arrived at Adventist churches worldwide with specific usage instructions.

Anyone that appears to have their eyes closed in anything but prayer in Sabbath School or the main service will receive a powerful blast of water to the face.

“We encourage our deacons to do extensive target practice before using the Super Soakers on Sabbath morning,” said GC Church Discipline spokesperson, Jus Drenchm, “You want to make sure that you don’t accidentally soak someone sitting next to the sleeping party.”

Deacons were told to get as close as possible to the snoozing member before firing.

“There’s something very distracting about a powerful jet of water shooting across the entire width of the sanctuary right in the middle of a sermon,” said Drenchm, “It’s far better to creep into position so you are in the pew directly next to the slumbering saint before you deliver a second baptism.”

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  1. Youse guys are way behind times. When we wuz little kids, we used to get hold of a jumbo sipping straw, a package of small beans. Youse get the idea? Worked during church. You sat in the back of the church or way up in the balcony. After a few shots, you hid the beans & straw. Go downstairs, sit in the back and repeat. Lots of laffs. Not messy like those water soakers! This worked the best in the movie theater. Remember the good old days.

  2. Laurence

    The deacons have the wrong target. They should be targeting the preacher whose boring and perfectionist sermons quickly put people to sleep.
    I suggest that sharpshooters be placed near the front of the church., equipt with Nerf guns. So that when the preacher bores up. He can be shot.
    All this is so sad. The preacher can see the whole congregation, and can see when he is putting people to sleep. He has that moment to upgrade his sermon, but never does. It seems he doesn’t really care. So shoot him to get his attention. And the sleepers will stay awake to not miss all the laughs.

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