Adventist churches across America schedule Comey hearings to boost attendance

Coming soon to your local church...
Coming soon to your local church…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Adventist Churches across America have been stumbling over themselves trying to schedule former FBI Director James Comey for an appearance at one of their services.

Comey’s Senate committee hearing today was packed to the brim with politicians, interns and media wanting to hear what he had to say about his interactions with President Donald Trump and potential Russian influence over the US election.

“There was already a line forming for the Comey hearing at 3 AM,” said Will Kahl, an associate pastor at Kramlin Adventist Church in Muskhow, Massachusetts. “This guy would pack out our services.”

Adventist pastors told Comey representatives that he was free to talk about absolutely any fundamental belief or Worthington product on his mind as long as he was willing to show up to church.

“He can come for Sabbath School, the Sabbath morning meet and greet or even a mid-week prayer meeting,” said Kahl.

“Whenever he can make it we promise a potluck that will blow his mind.”

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  1. Will Kahl


    Today, when Walla Walla Security Director James Comey testified before the General Conference Intelligence Committee, the hearing ended in a bizarre fashion that left Twitter users shaking their heads and rolling their eyes. Evangelist Doug Batchelor was invited to ask questions for the final 8 minutes. However, his bizarre, rambling line of questions left everyone confused, including Director Comey, the recently-fired former director of the S.B.I. (Scriptural Bureau of Investigation).

    At one point, Batchelor even called him “President Comey,” apparently confusing him with President Ted Wilson. The Twittersphere then lit up with memes and conspiracy theories about whether Comey may be in line to replace Wilson as head of the church. Amazingly, the only one who did not tweet about it was Wilson, in spite of his usual prolific early-morning tweet-storms. However, Wilson’s personal lawyer made a statement: “This is nothing but a big bunch of covfefe!”

  2. President Comey

    I’ll be delighted to come to any SDA church if you provide enough Little Debbies and Fri-Chik at the potluck. I might even bring my friend Sen. John McCain with me. He loves King’s Heralds & Del Delker music, and I predict he will soon admit himself into an SDA nursing home.

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