Adventist Church to require auditions before authorizing special music performances

Fingers crossed
Fingers crossed

ADVENTIST WORLD — Anyone wishing to provide special music at an Adventist church will need to be approved by a special auditioning process.

Church leaders said that auditions can happen no later than 28 minutes before the actual performance. Any use of drums in the music automatically disqualifies it for use on Sabbath morning.

“Amateur a cappella groups will receive extra scrutiny as they often feature at least one member that is completely off,” said Quality Control spokesperson Tony Deph.

The spokesperson added that if an individual or group of musicians have to restart their musical number, that also warrants automatic disqualification.

Deph said that aspiring special music performers will be required to audition any spoken intros to their musical piece as well.

“There is nothing worse than when a special music intro morphs into a sermon-length, stream of consciousness ramble. We will be nipping any such nonsense in the bud.”

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  1. Tone Deaf

    We should get rid of all music. Either that or just play professionally-recorded CDs. Why should we suffer through botched amateur performances when you can turn on the radio or play a CD of real professional quality? Just sayin’.

    1. Kawika

      Come to think of it, sermons should also be auditioned. Or just get rid of them entirely. Either that or just feature the recordings of Very Important Pastors professionally-recorded Talking Head sermons. Why should we suffer through amateur local pastor’s sermons when we can just stay home and watch LLBean or 3 Angels? Just sayin’. Nothing says COMMUNITY like the stay-at-home church.

      1. Shellie Kwin

        I prefer to stay home and listen to Danny Shelton sing to his 4th wife, Yvonne Lewis, on 3ABN. We’re already taking bets on who the lucky 5th wife will be. Perhaps Elizabeth Taylor?

  2. Bill Goats

    Last weekend on the 3ABN Russia anniversary show, they announced that Danny Shelton’s wife is Yvonne Lewis. The best part is, they’re both professional singers and won’t need to audition to perform special music. They sing wonderful duets. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22). Congratulations to the newlyweds!

  3. Penny Nichols

    This is actually a very good plan and sorely needed. There’s a lady who constantly begs to sing at my church, and she can’t carry a tune in a bucket. Sometimes she bugs the pastor until he gets tired of saying No, and then he lets her sing (ironically, however, he remains in his study and doesn’t enter the sanctuary until she’s finished). Her screeching, warbling voice and dreadfully out-of-tune howling is so grating on the nerves, that even the roaches flee into the walls for safety. One time a little baby woke up and let out a blood-curdling scream. Last week, she sang “Lonely Voices” in Bb while the accompaniment track was playing “Lord, Have Mercy” in G#. The head elder threatened to resign and move to Siberia if they ever let this woman “sing” again. I have learned to bring heavy-duty ear plugs every Sabbath, just in case she “sings.” The worst part is, she really truly believes that she is a gifted vocalist. Seems like the worst singers always think they’re the best. That’s why we NEED this new audition process. Because it’s easier for a committee to say No without hurting her feelings.

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