SILVER SPRING, Md. — Leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church have passed legislation severely tigthening the parameters of what constitutes appropriate Adventist physical contact on Sabbath morning.
From now on, the only appropriate way to touch a fellow Adventist is a brief side-hug lasting no longer than two seconds.
“Our church lobbies have been witness to a heinous amount of physical contact in the past,” said GC Director of Cultural Railroading Les Peediay at a press conference today. He said that although he wishes he could personally ban everything other than a firm handshake among Adventists, the side-hug only policy would be strictly enforced.
“Wherever you go in the Adventist world, you are assaulted by overly physical greetings on Sabbath morning, whether it be lingering hugs in the US or multiple kisses in Latin America,” said Peediay. “Don’t even get me started on Europe.”
When asked by reporters about whether the church would permit a New Testament-sanctioned holy kiss, Peediay said he had a meeting to get to.