SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an absolute first for the Adventist Church, world leaders have come to a majority decision to allow a caffeine ban exemption for the denomination’s most fatigued member: retired pediatric neurosurgeon and front runner Republican candidate for president, Dr. Ben Carson.
“We would never do this under normal circumstances,” said GC Temperance Department spokesperson, Koff Seerep, “but we have decided that as leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, we are at times called to a life of compassion. Dr. Carson has almost fallen asleep in interviews, debates and even speeches during this election season. We are giving him a pass on the whole coffee ban thing.”
Adventist leaders have been careful to stress that their exemption is not to be abused by the candidate. “This is not free license for Dr. Carson to start chugging Red Bulls or become the new face of 5-hour ENERGY commercials. His ties to Mannatech have been damaging enough,” said Seerep.
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