Walla Walla Campus Safety furious after failing pepper spray background checks

Walla Walla Campus Safety has been forced to surrender the department's store of pepper spray...
Walla Walla Campus Safety has been forced to surrender the department’s store of pepper spray…

COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — Walla Walla University’s Campus Safety officers have all failed newly-tightened federal background checks for pepper spray canister owners. The department was forced to surrender its entire supply of spray this morning.

Officers are reportedly furious about losing what department spokesperson, Veggie Kahp called “our arsenal.” Kahp warned that just because Campus Safety has been deprived of pink canisters “doesn’t mean we have lost our enthusiasm for speed traps or for writing you a parking ticket for absolutely no good reason.”

Kahp said the department has vowed to challenge background test criteria that included “unrelated matters such as donut consumption history and love for fake cop badges.” He added that, for now, the force will be armed with “high capacity super soakers until this injustice can be addressed in court.”



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  1. Cool name for the department spokesperson, “Veggie Kahp.” Too bad the “veggie cop” security guards failed the tightened background checks. Walla Walla should follow the lead of Oakwood, which established a real bona fide police department.

    1. Tyrone Jackson

      That’s true. The security guards went to police academy and converted to cops, and the then-president of the university, Delbert W. Baker, became “chief of police” after they got a special bill passed by the Alabama legislature. I don’t know if they carried guns or if they’re back to security officers now, but the Spring 2015 Oakwood Magazine still calls it the Oakwood University Police Department.

  2. Richard Mills

    The Walla Walla security were using the pepper spray to season up those famous SDA pot luck dinners & tacos brought to them in the take out boxes since the security people cannot leave their vehicles unattended for any reason. See company policy. You follow the rules. You play by the rules. Yes, a real police force wouldn’t abuse the pepper spray canisters. And the real police force can leave their vehicles to use the rest room, eat a meal, talk with another officer, etc. Youse guys out there-stop whining. Get a real job! When I grow up big, I don’t want to be a security guard. I wanna be a fireman or a real policeman or maybe a GC President. Woe iz me!
    Woe iz me!

    1. Will Tedson

      Read the policy again. Even security guards can leave their vehicle to eat donuts! I hope Walla Walla will eventually revise the policy to also let them leave the vehicle to answer the call of nature; that is a universal human right. As for growing up to the GC Prez, that’s what I wannabe too!

  3. It really doesn’t matter. Or at least it won’t matter much longer, because the whole Pacific Northwest is about to be wiped out by the strongest 9.2 magnitude earthquake and tsunami you’ve ever seen, according to Fox News and an article in the New Yorker. It will demolish everything west of Interstate 5. These earthquakes have occurred at regular intervals about every 243 years for the past 10,000 years according to Dr. Michio Kaku, a physics professor in New York. The last one occurred in 1700, so Walla Walla is 72 years past-due for The Big One.

    1. Ray Kraft

      It may demolish everything west of I-5, but Walla Walla is a couple hundred miles east of I-5, so Walla Walla is gonna havta keep its wannabee cops supplied with plenty of illegal contraband black market pepper spray.

      Of course you can make your own by boiling cayenne in water, straining it through a coffee filter, putting it in the super soakers.

  4. B'Rock O'Bomber

    Sevvy, this is a quite a comical spoof on my new executive order on gun control. What I wanna know is, did you vote for me in 2008 and 2012? Are you gonna vote for me again in 2016?

  5. Donald Dump

    When I am elected President, I will stop this disgusting erosion of Second Amendment rights. Every Adventist college security agent has a right to bear arms! (I’m talking about their left arm and their right arm — and maybe some pepper spray.)

    1. Hilarious Clinton

      If The Donald is elected, Bill and I are moving to Mexico. There, Bill will have all the interns he can handle, and I will be able to set up as many illegal private e-mail servers as I want. And of course, we’ll both pig out on haystacks: the real, authentic Mexican haystacks! ¡Ay, caramba! ¡Que delicioso!

  6. Morris Foreman

    Two people can walk across the same bridge and see the same sunset, but they have actually walked across two separate bridges and seen two distinct sunsets: because no two people see anything exactly the same way.

    Two intelligent people can read the same Bible verse and see two totally different (even opposite) meanings. Both can be 100% sincere and fully convinced that he or she is right.

    That is why we have so many religions. Remember the parable of the six blind men who tried to understand what an elephant looks like, by feeling different parts of the elephant’s body? One thought an elephant is like a pillar; another like a rope; another like a leaf, etc.

    Then the king explained to them: “All of you are right. The reason every one of you is telling it differently is because each one of you touched the different part of the elephant. Actually the elephant has all the features you mentioned.”
    ‍ ‍ ‍ O how they cling and wrangle, some who claim
    ‍ ‍ ‍ For preacher and monk the honored name!
    ‍ ‍ ‍ For, quarreling, each to his view they cling.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ Such folk see only one side of a thing.

    Or, as the poem says it:

    ‍ ‍ ‍ It was six men of Indostan
    ‍ ‍ ‍ To learning much inclined,
    ‍ ‍ ‍ Who went to see the Elephant
    ‍ ‍ ‍ (Though all of them were blind),
    ‍ ‍ ‍ That each by observation
    ‍ ‍ ‍ Might satisfy his mind.

    ‍ ‍ ‍ So oft in theologic wars,
    ‍ ‍ ‍ The disputants, I ween,
    ‍ ‍ ‍ Rail on in utter ignorance
    ‍ ‍ ‍ Of what each other mean,
    ‍ ‍ ‍ And prate about an Elephant
    ‍ ‍ ‍ Not one of them has seen!

  7. Sum Ting Wong

    Six blind elephants were discussing what men were like. After arguing they decided to find one and determine what it was like by direct experience. The first blind elephant felt the man and declared, ‘Men are flat.’ After the other blind elephants felt the man, they agreed.

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