LINCOLN, Neb. — Up to 100 full ride scholarships to Union College are being offered as prizes this Sunday to high school juniors and seniors participating in the school’s annual Easter Egg Hunt. The event is scheduled to coincide with this weekend’s Alumni Homecoming celebrations and is the first scholarship give-away of its kind in the history of Adventist higher education.
Eggs will be hidden all over the Union campus and participating high schoolers will be given 60 minutes to find an egg and finance their college education. “We are ‘go big or go home’ about recruitment around here,” said Union spokesperson Nancy Waggoner. “High schoolers that find eggs will have receive free tuition and board at Union for a minimum of four and a maximum of seven years. With premium meal plans.”
Union has taken an increasingly aggressive approach to recruitment in recent months, branding their tuition costs as “the best value in Adventist education” and offering minimum renewable scholarships of $6,500 and up to all admitted students.
More than 1000 students from dozens of high schools and academies across the country have pre-registered as qualifying participants for the Easter Egg Hunt as the last day for sign-ups is Friday, April 3. “It’s going to be a busy weekend,” said Waggoner. “Between the egg hunt and Homecoming we’ll easily triple our campus population over the next few days. With a little luck we’ll even give the likes of Southern a run for their recruitment money.”
Wow SDAs must be really desperate for enrollment because a few things are wrong here. First, since when are Easter eggs sanctioned by the GC? Smacks of the behavior of our Sunday friends. On what day is this hunt being held? Hmmm. Are we guarding the edges of the Sabbath? Finally who is financing these scholarships? Just checking…
Oh Milla, don’t rock the boat. It’s all for a good cause, you know. . . . Plus, the Easter eggs won’t complain; they don’t even know they’re pagan.
Please remember this is satire. I work at Union College, and can assure you we do offer 100% scholarships (financed by alumni), but only to students with 3.9 GPAs and an ACT score of 32. We will also celebrate Easter this weekend, but our focus on the gift of Christ’s death and resurrection, not eggs and rabbits.
Don’t applicants with a GPA of 0.9 and an ACT of 2 need scholarship more?
Hah! Someone with a 0.9 GPA and an ACT score of 2 doesn’t need a scholarship–they need a miracle.
“Please note that all characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report,’ including any comments thereupon, are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or incidents, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, or comedy. If you do not find the stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or perhaps to check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”
The funniest part: they will “receive free tuition and board for a maximum of seven years. With premium meal plans.” Nice! They will cater to the “professional student.” If only this opportunity had been available to me. . . .
Found out the Easter eggs are really Resurrection eggs, cage free, free range, non GMO, PITA approved, etc. We do believe in the resurrection? None of the eggs were laid on the Sabbath otherwise they would be inedible like the manna. The coloring is a vegetable dye, easily washed off. The shell can be peeled back with ease. The many colors represent the diversity of the student body & faculty. Any left overs will be used for the potluck next week.. Wish I was there. Woe is me!!
Seven years, huh? That’s in case those students don’t find a mate in the first four years of college, ’cause we all know it’s slim pickin’s after graduation.