LINCOLN, Neb. — Union College has announced an emergency recall of thousands of freshly-mailed copies of its latest promotional postcard. Administrators cited “unbearable gloating by the model” as the reason for the recall.
Union creative writing major Desi Perett has reportedly driven the entire Union population to the brink of desperation with relentless chatter about the “timeless legacy piece” she has gifted to Union by being featured in the card.
“Words cannot express how much we regret picking Desi for the promo postcard,” said Union graphic designer Sara Ree, gloomily staring at a card of Perett poised over her laptop in the Studio for Writing and Speaking, with a caption that reads, “Union College: home of the next great American author.”
In an email sent to prospective students, the college’s Enrollment Office asked students who had already received the card to “Recycle it, burn it, do whatever. Just don’t bother looking at it. We will make sure our scholarship postcard next month is much better.”
Administration made the decision to issue the recall after Perret marched into the Enrollment Department, holding aloft the promotional Union College postcard, and demanding a full refund for the entirety of her four years at Union due to her “celebrity status.”
Special thanks to Michael Rohm for submitting this story
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I figured out who Richard Mills is: he is none other than Sevvy. And I figured out who Sevvy is: he is none other than Ted Wilson who moonlights as a satirical blog writer. Who would have known that the GC Prez is “barely Adventist”?
As long as they keep publishing her swim suit issue in the school paper,The Clock Tower, I don’t care about a silly postcard. Let the frazzled drink Roma again, that might shut then up!
Bugs, you’re way off base this time. Even I (who famously said the new Superwoman actress is “pretty hot”) am not impressed by Desi Perett as a model. Seriously, when God handed out good looks, she was hiding behind the door. Just take a look at her photo on the postcard. If you thought she was pretty in The Clock Tower, you were looking at the wrong girl or you were looking through rose-colored glasses. Just sayin’.
“Will someone please attack me, so I can have a chance to talk?” = Dr. Carsinogen’s most memorable soundbyte at the last GOP debate before Super Tuesday.
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