Southern’s entire class of 2015 hired by Little Debbie

With snack cakes in their future, these Southern students have nothing to fear...
With snack cakes in their future, these Southern students have nothing to fear…

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Mere weeks after the 2015 graduation exercises, Southern Adventist University administration has announced that 100 percent of the school’s graduating seniors have found employment. Adventist-owned snack cake favorite Little Debbie (owned by McKee Foods) has hired every single graduating senior, even managing to poach Loma Linda-bound pre-med students to work in the company’s Research and Development Division.

Although many have expressed surprise that students representing such a broad range of academic disciplines have managed to find work with the snack cake giant, it appears that students representing all majors were heavily recruited by the firm which is headquartered close to the university’s campus in Collegedale, Tenn.

“We are determined to nurture strong ties with Adventist church leadership and this means hiring and training a team of theologically-savvy lobbyists that speak the language of church leaders,” said Little Debbie spokesperson Geert Wricher, emphasizing the special importance of graduates from Southern’s School of Religion.

“We need brand ambassadors that are positioned to persuade church leaders to shape appropriate church policy on everything from interpretation of the health message to the acceptance of large donations,” said Wricher. “Our church has an impact to make on society. Adventists should be the head and not the tail of America’s budget dessert industry.”

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  1. Ray Kraft

    I’m seeing Little Debbie everywhere.

    Now it’s time for Little Debbie to expand her product line . . . she has a well-established brand identity . . . in keeping with the spirit of the Adventist Health Message, I think Little Debbie should get into sodas and ice cream.

    Then forward to fast food . . . a national chain of Little Debbie Burgers featuring veggie Debbie Burgers and veggie Debbie Dogs with Debbie Fries and floats made with Little Debbie Soda and Little Debbie Ice Cream.

    Can Little Debbie candy be far behind? . . . Jolly Debbies!

  2. Clyde Crenshaw

    Maybe the big tithe dollars pouring in from McKee Foods transform this junk food into health food? I also heard that Little Debbie has a Catholic priest on staff to bless each package before it heads out the door, so that the ingredients normally shunned by the Health Message will somehow have a wonderful salutary, invigorating effect on each consumer.

    Other SDA colleges have been jealous of the blessings enjoyed by SAU with McKee’s bakery on their campus, providing jobs for students and hefty donations to university coffers. In an effort to “keep up with the Jones,” PUC reportedly is breaking ground for a vegetarian wine factory and a vegan cigar factory. “Not only will these factories provide badly-needed financial aid for our students and well-deserved profits for pet projects, but they will also uphold the health message in the same proud tradition as our counterpart at SAU,” exclaimed Hack Coffin, director of development, as he tried to hide a mysterious hacking cough.

    “Soon you can expect to see these fine vegetarian and vegan products on the shelves of an Adventist Book Center near you. And, since pot is legal just over the state line in Oregon, we’re gonna make a big surprise announcement of our newest vegan product line at our exhibition tent in San Antonio. See you there!”

    1. Ray Kraft

      Now that she has a Catholic priest on the staff, shouldn’t Little Debbie bring in a rabbi and a mullah, too, so she can also be Kosher and Halal?

      Why shouldn’t Little Debbie be everywhere for Lent, for Passover, and Ramadan?

      Spreading The Health Message to all the world!

    1. Hack Coffin

      Yes, Milla, I am pleased to assure you that these wonderful new products are completely gluten-free, non-GMO, and locally produced, so they must be OK. Spread the word and do your part to advance the health message* and help students!

      * as tacitly re-defined by Little Debbie, and further re-defined by our new products. (Wink, wink, nod, nod, cough, cough.)

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