New York, N.Y. — The United Nations has added single, eligible Adventist males to the list of critically endangered species worldwide.
The action was taken after representatives from the International Prevervation Agency noted that eligible single women in Adventist churches outnumbered their male counterparts by a factor of 7:1.
Adventist men join species such as the Amur Leopard and the Hawksbill Turtle on the IPA shortlist. Officials warned against confusing Adventist men with Cross River Gorillas which also feature on the list.
“Attractive Adventist males are already spoken for in the average Adventist congregation,” said a report from the IPA. “The available remnant of Adventist men are either lacking gainful employment or front teeth.”
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Since I am single now and in danger of being endangered, will some worthy female take it upon herself to rescue me from extinction? Help me before I go off into oblivion.