NEW MARKET, Va. — Shenandoah Valley Academy has unveiled a major change to its campus map: Phanstiel Hall, the boys’ dorm, is relocating. Administration announced to students, parents and alumni that Phanstiel Hall will be moved further from the girls’ dorm, Hadley Hall, “to make room for the Holy Spirit.”
SVA spokesperson Verena Lam explained that the impetus for the move came from the constant need to remind clingy student couples to “make room for the Holy Spirit.” Academy staff is exhausted from over-use of the time-honored Adventist line and many feel that it has done little to curtail student couples’ displays of affection.
Lam claimed that although the move will be a strain on school finances, it will “help safeguard young romances” and keep students focused on spiritual development. She appealed to alumni to help finance the move. “All alumni donors will be given a say in where to locate the new dorm,” said Lam. She added that additional funding could come from “bumping up tuition a tad.”
At a townhall meeting called to discuss the dorm relocation, Lam pushed back on suggestions that the move would incur unnecessary expenses for the school. She stressed that any move that minimized the distraction of the opposite sex and encouraged focused soul searching at such a formative age, was well-advised.
“Besides, we all know that 95 percent of academy relationships are doomed the minute one party arrives at a college campus and discovers a little thing called options,” said Lam.
Let’s see, seems to me the Academy is getting its theology a little confused.
Trying to put the Holy Spirit in the way of love?
“And though I have the gift of prophecy, and I understand all of God’s secret plans, and possess all knowledge, and I have such faith that I can move mountains, but if I have not love, I am nothing!” said Paul, I Corinthians 13.
“If I have not love I am but a sounding brass and a clanging cymbal!”
Isn’t Love the Fruit of the Holy Spirit?
And didn’t God create men and women to fall in love?
So, if we’re gonna be intellectually and theologically coherent here, seems to me that PDAs etc. should be encouraged.
And since the Holy Spirit (as a spirit) presumably takes up no space, and is omnipresent, here, there, and everywhere, and within every young woman and man at the Academy, isn’t the idea of making “more space” for the Holy Spirit a little . . . nonsensical?
I know, I know, this story is satire, but satire works ’cause there’s truth in it.
There’s a most excellent movie . . . eek! a movie! do Adventists watch movies? . . . that’s relevant to this story, or satire. Not in the theaters anymore, so your angel can watch it with you in the comfort and safety of your own home, you can get it at Redbox or Blockbuster now.
MEN, WOMEN & CHILDREN
About older people trying to protect younger people from love.
Twenty one thumbs up.
Sorry, can’t help it.
But it seems to me . . . that if God didn’t love love, He wouldn’ta made so much of it.
“What’s 9 plus 10?”
Wasn’t the boys dorm called Price Hall? A few years a ago now, but that’s what I recall from my time there as a task force worker. A funny article highlighting how we sometimes try to outlandishly deal with situations in the wrong way.
It was renamed after a donor helped renovate it a few years ago.
Late-breaking update: Confidential sources close to the academy administration have secretly disclosed, upon strict conditions of anonymity, that the academy will actually be split into two schools: one an all-girls school, and the other an all-boys school. The boys’ campus will be located at an abandoned army barracks several miles away, dating back to the Civil War. This move will discourage PDA for all but the most determined boys who are willing to sneak out and walk several miles on foot, and face the wrath of the girls’ campus principal upon reaching the female campus–not to mention the fierce barbed wire with razor blades atop the 12-foot high fence. The move will not cost too much because the new site is being donated by the Sons of the Civil War and faculty will be shared between the two institutions.
How many people will they ah upset? How many students will remain of they do that? If that happiness it could be the very END of SVA. Administration is focusing on the wrong direction if they do this and they are behind the times as well. Why not let things stay the same? At least they can keep an eye on things this way and instead focus on EDUCATION!! ALL OF EDUCATION, Not just part of trying to keep the young men and young ladies apart. Dont they remember what it was like when they were growing up???? How many can honestly say they did not get a kiss or hold hands while in school??? Seems to me they are speaking with a 2 side face. Young adults need to learn how to deal with dating and pda and yes broken hearts as well. It is part of growing up. Shame on Academy Administration for being hypocritical.
You do know this is a satire site, right?
I agree with the person above. It’s not only about the love between people, but also abouto
Money. Who’s gonna pay for that? I’m already paying a lot and not about to donate for such nonsense. This is what God really wants us to do right? I thought this school is a good Christian school not a monk school. This must be reconsidered.
Satire, people. Chill out
SVA spokesperson Verena Lam and Potomac Conference, Have lost your mind ? Truth be told SVA is not in any way shape or forum have the funds for something like this.I think you all need to step back and look at how the student’s whom make up the school has been on a down hill slide for years now. Now why is that some ask. Well let’s look back SVA closed the farm that it ran apples, honey etc LOSS of INCOME. Closed the recycle center LOSS of INCOME. Closed the industry LOSS of INCOME. Closed wood shop and other elective type classes. But yet we continue to raise money for out of country trips. Stop the trips and give back to the Valley and America. Bring back some fun in this school. RAISING FEE’S LOSS OF STUDENTS which mean SVA CLOSING IT’S DOORS FOR GOOD. Maybe the FEE’S should come down some so the school can bring in more student’s. Not all of are on a FIVE or SIX digit SALARY so we can just say sure I’ll send Jane or John to SVA. There is a much more SVA could offer buy just bringing back the simple thing’s that we already have the buildings for. There are kids that would love the type of education SVA can offer but SVA tuition is like the reddest apple at the top of the tree out of reach for most families. Or we hope pray that our child can get the extra funding to keep them in this school. Moving the boy’s dorm or the girls dorm does nothing but add cost to a already failing budget school. About me I’m just a dad with Four boy’s and a loving wife who graduated from SVA. This type of education was not an option for me as a young adult. But i do pray that it will be there for my boy’s. And right now I just don’t see it happening. Verena Lam and Potomac Conference I think you should look at getting more students back in the desk and money back into the school. Instead of spending money which none of use have to spend. And as far as I know God never did make a money tree
This was just brought to me by my son Tyler a former student. Dad you know SVA is a great school. But there is a major problem at SVA the teach math reading foreign language and all the other school classes and religion. But what are they teaching for a real world job ? Nothing they have no mechanic’s class no computer class unless your a A student. So how am I supposed to get a real world job with no real world skill training ???? I looked at my son and couldn’t answer him. Have a nice day
And this is the problem with satirical journalism….not everyone will realize it’s SATIRE!
I graduated from Mount Vernon in 1957. The article about the dorm relocation had me ready to start throwing things. I was thinking that is worse than it was in 1957, where the favorite expression of the girls dean was, “Holding hands leads to leads to little pink bundles.” Lol ! you really got me.