LOS ANGELES,Calif. — The Southern California Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has declared a state of emergency in the greater Los Angeles area as an all-out battle rages between Adventist area churches.
“As bizarre as it sounds, the source of our conflict is a pool of cute kids under the age of 10,” said Southern California Conference Education Department spokesperson, Manny Niño. “Churches need these little munchkins for fundraising purposes. Lambs’ offerings are a great revenue stream and right now there is a highly finite number of children that churches have to send down the aisles to the tune of Hear the Pennies Dropping.”
Niño explained that larger churches in the area have hired recruiters to visit Adventist elementary schools as far out as Loma Linda in order to recruit cute kids and their parents to their churches.
“Churches send scouts to Adventist school events to find families with kids that fit the bill. The right child candidate has an irresistible smile and cute chubby hands that you just have to give money to.”
Niño said that local pastors have started to complain that baby headhunters from rival Adventist churches have even begun to infiltrate their churches on Sabbath morning. “It is not OK to volunteer to tell children’s story just so you can recruit our kids,” said White Memorial Church Assistant Pastor Frank Petit. “The same goes for hitting up our Pathfinder Club. Our kids were hard won. Find your own lambs.”