LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Researchers at Loma Linda University’s School of Public Health have detected a genetic weakness in multigenerational Adventists that renders them “defenseless against the urge to go crazy on haystacks.”
Lead researcher, Frida Lei said that the genetic aberration usually manifests in third generation Adventists and gets progressively more severe as Adventist families continue into fourth and fifth generations.
“Loma Linda is a great place to study this genetic weakness,” said Lei, “We have a town stuffed to the brim with Adventists who have married each other for over a century and are literally addicted to haystacks.”
Although Lei acknowledged that evangelistic efforts could recruit new blood and help fortify the Adventist gene pool, she doubted help would come in time.
“Adventist dynasties have a way of vetting who joins the family so our inbreeding problem is here to stay,” said Lei.
She added that haystack addiction is just the tip of a very problematic iceberg.
“We have also weeded out any sense of rhythm,” said Lei. “Adventists can’t dance to save their lives.”