Police: Worst Saturday morning traffic offenders are Seventh-day Adventist

someone's going to be even later for church...
someone’s going to be even later for church…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to US police data released today, Seventh-day Adventists are by far the worst traffic offenders on Sabbath mornings.

Many Seventh-day Adventists are late to church and seem to think speeding through red lights and accumulating a slew of other traffic offences will somehow help, said Dame Rosquillas, spokesperson for the Federal Law Enforcement Officers Association.

Rosquillas added that officers across the nation have heard all kinds of excuses from Adventists, ranging from being late to Sabbath School to claims that their church parking lot fills up quickly and they don’t want to park on the street.

“Adventists are serious speed demons on Saturday,” said Rosquillas. “Hands-down the worst of the worst are their pastors. I have personally been cut off in traffic about 70 times seven times by Adventist ministers too busy rehearsing their sermon to pay attention to the road.”

Rosquillas recalled writing one Adventist a speeding ticket recently. “He said he couldn’t pay it because it was unlawful to spend cash on Sabbath. I told him not to worry, when he got the ticket in the mail he could take it up in traffic court and see how that flies.”


Single, separated, divorced and widowed Adventists who want to change that status wanted.


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  1. 7Upper

    This is all wrong. Getting stopped is the perfect excuse for not showing up. Snoozing seats, back rows, are filled by early birds, leaving the desperate late comers no place to nap. Get the story straight, for goodness sakes

    1. The solution is found in the name of the police spokesman, “Dame Rosquillas” (“Give Me Donuts”). Instead of carrying a stale case of Little Debbies, the speedy churchgoers should carry a box of newly-baked Dunkin’ Donuts‎.

  2. Bruce Dame

    It’s only the young pastors who are rehearsing their sermons. Those who have served two or more churches have their previously loved sermon binders with them. Their motto is, “What’s good for one congregation is good for the others.” Now they can spend their weekdays as God intended by building a new house, by themselves within four years, then taking the profit to a new location and start all over again. Think of how much can be made over forty years! They are not made to wait until the resurrection to inherit their mansions, they’ve “Built it themselves.” (Most are Republicans.)

  3. richard mills

    Most SDA pastors & many members are emulating the great General Jehu. He was known as a speed demon. To all those late comers, there is a solution. Get home early on Friday evening. Get to bed on time, arise on Sabbath morning at 6 AM. Seems like plenty of time to get washed, eat breakfast, dress properly and drive safely to SS . I do it every Sabbath. 52 tines a year. Snow, sleet, rain-whatever. Not a problem. You just have to be consistent. Discipline yourself & family. Try it. You will be blessed above more than you deserve. Woe iz me. Hope you get more than one ticket as you speed through various jurisdictions!!

  4. richard mills

    By the way, are the SDA Police on SDA campuses allowed to give out tickets on the Sabbath? Is this a work of necessity? I got one once at Andrews. What a joke! The OIC didn’t know what to do. I ripped it up and placed it in the trash container!! These SDA coppers are on an ego trip with their tin badges. Think Keystone Kops!! WOE IZ ME!!

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