NFL caves to concussion lawsuits, adopts Adventist “friendly competition” flag football

This changes everything...
This changes everything…

NEW YORK, N.Y. — The NFL has responded to rapidly multiplying concussion lawsuits from former players by changing the rules of the sport. As of next season, games will be played by what NFL spokesperson Yew Tehrn calls “Seventh-day Adventist friendly competition flag football rules.”

Tehrn said that after an in-depth study of Adventist academy and college football programs, NFL officials had determined that Adventist flag football would not only eliminate most of the impact injuries related to tackle football but would also add “a repressed competitive spirit to spice things up.”

He pointed to the fact that Adventists have historically been against competitive sport and that this has led to various attempts to camouflage competitive elements of the sport.

“What’s interesting is that all the ‘Kumbaya’ stuff before, during and after games just heightens the competitive spirit of the actual atheletes,” said Tehrn.  “It’s weird but if you tell athletes to play nice and that winning isn’t everything, it pretty much has the opposite effect. Adventist are reverse-psychology geniuses and we can’t wait to try out their techniques.”

Tehrn added that fans of Super Bowl half-time shows need not despair at the coming transition.  “We’ve already booked the Heritage Singers for next year.”




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  1. I like the spokesperson’s name, “Yew Tehrn.” I can already hear the quarterback announcing “your turn” in a new spirit of friendly cooperation. By the way, I hope they book the King’s Heralds along with the Heritage Singers for half-time.

  2. pesky bugs

    It is an outgrowth of the recent Revelation that the contest in heaven between Jehovah’s Sevenuppers and Lucifer’s Sundaydancers is a version of flag football. The sides plan to get together at half time (millennium) for Haystacks and Faux Martenelli wine. And score won’t be kept, everyone will get a “Participant” in the Final Star Wars reinaction (Only 144,000 will be awarded, however). However, crafty Lucifer was stopped from selling tickets to the affair as his price of one soul per ticket seemed excessive. The Sevenuppers must certify they have contributed the book, The Great Controversy to at least one reluctant recipient, to get a ticket; sales are reportedly to be slow.

    1. Ted Cruz-control

      Hey, what’s up, Doc? The problem with this fantastic story is that it demonstrates “New York values.” Even Donald Dump needs to learn some real down-home Texas values. Just sayin’.

  3. Richard Mills

    Let’s play “Adventist Football” my way or the highway. QUARTERBACK SNEAK-leave church before altar call. HALF TIME-leave between SS & Church. BENCHWARMER-You don’t sing, pray, work, pay tithe: you just SIT!! STAY-IN-THE-POCKET-that’s where you keep your offerings & tithes. TWO MINUTE WARNING-gather up all your stuff, your kids’ stuff and get out quick. SUDDEN DEATH-your attention span is challenged because the pastor went “overtime” in his sermon. END RUN-get out before the Pastor shakes your hand or anybody else for that matter! HALFBACK OPTION-half of the congregation will return for Vespers. BLITZ-be the first one in the Pot Luck line( my favorite part!!). It’s my ball and it’s my playground. You can even play on the Sabbath. Hike the ball. Use play # 666. Woe iz me.

  4. Richard Mills

    You are invited to my church’s SUPER BOWL SABBATH on Feb. 6. If the weather cooperates, we can have a tailgate/pot luck party in the parking lot. I rounded up a few deaconesses to be cheerleaders. Deacons will be at the door to collect the tickets ( I mean
    the donated offerings). Food concession is available in our fellowship room downstairs. Little Debbies, Big Franks, Saucettes, etc. Martinelli’s apple juice. The whole routine.
    Flag football is for the sissies. This Adventist Football is all the rage in my part of the USA! Come on down. The competing teams? The Church Board vs. The Pathfinders. Not a player? Just sit in our comfortable cushioned pews & relax. Woe iz me.

    1. Charlotte Web

      You better make sure the deaconesses/cheerleaders are modestly dressed down to their ankles in good 19th-century style! I’ll be there to see the Pathfinders and church board duke it out in Bible Bowl. After all, who can resist the announcement of an endless supply of Little Debbie’s and Martinelli’s?

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