NEW YORK, N.Y. — The NFL has responded to rapidly multiplying concussion lawsuits from former players by changing the rules of the sport. As of next season, games will be played by what NFL spokesperson Yew Tehrn calls “Seventh-day Adventist friendly competition flag football rules.”
Tehrn said that after an in-depth study of Adventist academy and college football programs, NFL officials had determined that Adventist flag football would not only eliminate most of the impact injuries related to tackle football but would also add “a repressed competitive spirit to spice things up.”
He pointed to the fact that Adventists have historically been against competitive sport and that this has led to various attempts to camouflage competitive elements of the sport.
“What’s interesting is that all the ‘Kumbaya’ stuff before, during and after games just heightens the competitive spirit of the actual atheletes,” said Tehrn. “It’s weird but if you tell athletes to play nice and that winning isn’t everything, it pretty much has the opposite effect. Adventist are reverse-psychology geniuses and we can’t wait to try out their techniques.”
Tehrn added that fans of Super Bowl half-time shows need not despair at the coming transition. “We’ve already booked the Heritage Singers for next year.”
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