Columbia, Md. — Earlier today, bleary-eyed leaders of the North American Division of the Seventh-day Adventist Church somberly surveyed a dilapidated structure in Columbia, Maryland that would serve as their new headquarters.
NAD leadership had previously been located in the denomination’s General Conference headquarters building located a few miles away in Silver Spring, and had escaped when nobody was looking this morning.
Divison spokesperson Snotyoo Ismee somberly admitted that he and his team were “up to our ears with all the bickering recently,” and had been planning their escape for over a year. “We’ve had our tote bags fully packed with blankets and flashlights for months just waiting for the right moment,” he said.
Pausing by a stretch of punched-out dry wall, Ismee said that the NAD team would try to make ends meet as they faced the big world out there on their own. He admitted to feeling conflicted about running away from home over flare-ups after so many “happy years” under one roof.
“But I’m sure Big Brother will be over to visit sooner or later.”