ADVENTIST WORLD – As of next Sabbath, Adventists will be able to officially grade their pastor’s wife using custom-made report cards.
Members will judge all kinds of things about this highly visible member of their church community.
For starters, the punctuality of the pastor’s wife will be guaged. Was she on church grounds before the start of Sabbath School? If not, there is an additional space in which to note her arrival time.
Next, pastor’s wives will be graded on their appearance. Was her outfit modest enough? Was she wearing too much makeup or, in the case of some congregations, ANY makeup? Was there any hint of jewelry on her person?
The report card also asks members to assign grades to the quality and creativity of the pastor’s wife’s cradle roll teaching. Extra credit if she came up with a cool craft. Minus points if she phoned it in and just showed videos.
The overall friendliness of the pastor’s wife is also graded, with members being encouraged to flunk the woman if she forgot to greet them by name.
If the pastor has children, their behavior will have direct implications for the Divine Service portion of the report card. Too much fidgeting in the pew could drop the overall grade by an entire letter. God forbid a baby starts crying.
The report card is not complete until potluck when the dishes prepared by the pastor’s wife will be carefully assessed for originality and organic content.
Any lasagna trays from Costco will result in an immediate 7% point deduction.
Pastor’s wives that score below 70% for more than a quarter will face deductions to their pay.
Oh, wait. They don’t get paid.