Loma Linda, Calif. — Bill Worthington, one of the faces of the Loma Linda Blue Zone, was busted by veggie cops yesterday as he was devouring a cheeseburger for the very first time. Local dietary enforcement responded in under seven minutes to a panicked 911 call from Bill’s wife, Gertrude, who had overheard Bill promise a great-great-grandchild that he would “not let another day pass before sampling what this In-N-Out establishment close to my house has to offer.” Unlike the teenager, who was reportedly delighted and offered to deliver the burger herself, Gertrude attempted a citizen’s arrest of her own husband as he reached for the hand-delivered burger. Gertrude almost succeeded in stopping her husband but melted at the sight of a Neapolitan shake that her descendant brought her.
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“We gave up meat, then cheese and milk, and then eggs, then Loma Linda canned goods with soy isolate and salt. We were wondering what we could give up next,” said Oregon foodie Faresh Ayre.
Southern Californian strawberry farmer Haya Costa said recently it was time to take the next step in preparation for translation: “We have sacrificed almost everything over the decades. So we thank God for GMO’s, which we now avoid. It’s like God gave them to the food industry so we could give them up, too. ”
Just in time, a new food line has emerged called Beyond Vegan, which at $15-20 per packet takes away any possibility of earthly wealth. “We can be assured that its like manna from heaven,” said Nomo Pasta IV, who has finally surrendered his life-long Mediterranean diet. “Now with no salt, no preservatives or GMOs, and no. money, we’re ready for translation.”
You aint been to my church’s Sabbath pot lucks. Bill will be in Glory Land or something like it! Woe iz me!!