James Comey accepts job as head of Walla Walla campus security

COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — Former FBI director James Comey has accepted a role as head of Walla Walla University’s Campus Security Department.

In accepting the role, Comey cited a desire to get back to small town living after his high profile role in Washington.

Comey is currently driving a U-Haul truck across the country and is due to arrive at Walla Walla early next week.

In a telephone interview from a truck stop en route, Comey said that he looked forward to getting started in a position that offered “a heck of a lot more job security than my last gig.”

Comey promised to fearlessly investigate “any Walla Walla connection to deep-pocketed manufacturers of veggie meat or wine that might unfairly influence university policy making.”

The former FBI director also took the time to voice his dissatisfaction with the arsenal of pepper spray weapons available to his future staff.

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  1. Billy Nelson

    Meanwhile, Doug Batchelor has been tapped to head the FBI. After other candidates removed their names from consideration, the Trump administration had no choice but to hire the one person who was willing. “Although I have no government law enforcement experience, I have plenty of experience enforcing the law of the Ten Commandments,” quipped Batchelor. “So I am qualified. Look out, Washington, here I come!”

  2. Leif Erikson

    BREAKING NEWS – Doug Batchelor Flips Out

    Today Dougie Batchelor issued a dire warning of a “critical threat” to democracy, accusing the President of bowing to the Beast and ushering in the National Monday Law. His tirade came as Trump had a 30-minute meeting with the Pope at the Holy See. “See, I told you so,” said Batchelor. “If you look real hard, you will see ‘666’ on Trump’s forehead.” Then, in exasperation, Batchelor flipped out–literally–by performing a world-record sequence of his signature back flips.

  3. One of my inside sources in DC, tells me that Comey took with him all the SDA files to Wall Walla. Think about it! The time of the end is here! Begin to flee to the mountains. Head for the hills. It’s OVER. I got my little place in the mountains near Dunlap, Tenn. Close enough to Little Debbies. The bakery will keep rolling no matter what.

  4. College Place Gazette

    Okay, here’s what really happened: Comey was hired to sniff out infiltration and collusion with the Jesuits, as it is well known that Jesuits have infiltrated all of our colleges, especially Walla Walla.

    Comey used a very clever method to expose the colluders: 1) he sent a memo to everyone announcing that he is investigating the Jesuits matter; and 2) the next day he sent personalized handwritten notes to each faculty member and administrator, stating: “All is known. Flee!” The next morning, over 75% of them failed to show up to work. Grainy surveillance camera footage showed that they had all hastily packed up and fled town overnight. . . .

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