General Conference before fundraising campaign: “Little Debbie Snacks are healthy”


SILVER SPRING, Md. — Little Debbie snacks have been officially approved as a health food by the General Conference on the eve of a multi-year fundraising campaign for the denomination’s free clinic outreach programs.

In a joint statement issued by the General Conference Treasury and Health & Temperance Departments, Little Debbie snacks were praised for their “nutritious, life-giving, Eden-like ingredients that put a spring in the step of consumers from every walk of life.”

The Adventist-owned snack cake brand and parent company McKee Foods have a proven record of massive donations to the denomination. GC spokesperson Incansis Tent told media representatives this morning that he could think of “no better partner for the church as it fulfills its historical mandate of spreading a bold message of health through free clinics the world over.”



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  1. Sheerluck Holmes

    LOL! If this junk food has “nutritious, life-giving, Eden-like ingredients that put a spring in the step of consumers from every walk of life,” then I’m a monkey’s uncle.

    1. Bud Higher

      There’s also a recreational pot distributor in Colorado who’s dying to make a large donation to the GC Temperance Dept. to obtain the coveted “health food” (“health smoke”) seal of approval.

  2. Vladimer Pukin'

    Even I know better than to touch that stuff. I’ve seen too many Little Debbie’s junkies lying in the gutter or wasting tons of cash on obesity clinics. Almost makes me want to puke. No wonder my name is Pukin’.

  3. Hidden in the egw archives (it can now revealed) is the fact the wilderness manna recipe was given to Ellen 100 years ago. It was misplaced and later found under the massive Bibleof vision fame in 1960 when a fork lift was engaged to lift it to a new shelf. The Buzzards at the GC later sold it to Little Debbie for 30 pieces of silver to stall flagging tithe income. Minor flavor doctoring of the ingredients was done to accommodate current palates but the nourishing elements weren’t changed, according spokesperson LD Whitelies deMatter. So they are God ordained healthy snack foods.

  4. Richard Mills

    To Hilarious Clinton: This Little Debbie stuff is good for your famous health plan. Eat ’til you drop. Not your weight, but your body. Anyway, I just luv Little Debbies, especially the moon pies. Yummy-good for your tummy. Woe iz me!!

  5. Bonnie Clyde

    It’s ironic that the declaration of “health food” would occur right before a multi-year fundraising campaign for health clinics. I have an idea: promote fruits and vegetables instead of junk food. Then the GC might not even need so many health clinics.

  6. Hugh Heifer

    Well, forget Little Debbie. Every real man knows that women rule the world. Husbands work their behinds off to support their wives, who glibly spend the hard-earned money on shopping sprees. Then these women have the gall to accuse their husbands of not being rich and successful enough. Or they put Hubby in the doghouse and withhold intimacy to get their way. And advertisers know that they need a seductive female to grace the picture of whatever product they are selling. There is no doubt about it: the world revolves around women, and they willingly “use” men to obtain money and security (which they call “love”). Marriage is little more than legalized prostitution–where men give money and “love” to get sex/cooking/washing/ironing, and women give sex/cooking/washing/ironing to get love/romance/money/security. It’s the biggest scheme and scandal in the world.

  7. Hilarious Clinton

    “I never took a position on Benghazi until I took a position on Benghazi.”

    As I promised today, I will never again call radical Islam “radical Islam.” And I will never call illegal immigrants “illegal immigrants.” (Oops, I just did.)

  8. Lil Zane

    I wrote a rap about Little Debbie (“Lil Deb”). Hope you like it. (Sing to the tune of “‘Sky’s the Limit” by Lil Wane)


    Once there was a girl in Collegedale,
    And Little Debbie was her name.
    Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
    Lil Deb, Lil Deb.
    She like to sing and she like to play
    And she like to munch on d’ snacks all day.
    Boom, bap, rumba rap.
    Zhezoom, bedoong, bebop, ba-boom.
    Well, the years went by and she saw the clocks
    and she saw herself on d’ snack-cake box.
    Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
    She ate and ate,
    and she did inflate.
    ‘Cause d’ “healthy snacks”
    Was not the facts.
    Oh yeah, o yeah.
    Big Deb, Big Deb.
    Boom, bap, rumba rap.
    Zhezoom, bedoong, be-bop, ba-boom~
    First comes love, then comes marriage,
    The comes Big Lil Debbie
    Pushing an overweight baby carriage.
    Big Deb, Big Deb.
    Boom, bap, rumba rap.
    Zhezoom, bedoong, be-bop, ba-boom~

  9. Richard Mills

    After that rap, I think I sang it to another tune, “Onward Christian Soldiers”,we will have to send Little Debbie to Wildwood , Yuchee Pines or Weimar for some weight loss and a new makeover! Woe iz me!!

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