GC declares Adventist martial law to enforce unity

Hard ball.
Hard ball.

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a bid to ensure unity within the Church worldwide, the General Conference has declared Adventist Martial Law.

“As of this moment all of Adventism will resemble the campus of Southern Adventist University,” said Unity Enhancement spokesperson, Marcos Nuevo.

“Until we have utter and complete unity around what gets decided in this building, every Adventist will need to abide by an 11 PM curfew,” said Nuevo. He promised to send GC-sponsored RA-equivalents to make sure members were in their homes on time.

Nuevo said that under denominational martial law, Adventists will be required to abide by an ultra-strict dress code. Men will have to wear collared shirts or suits to all worship experiences and women should dress like they are on 3ABN.

Church meeting attendance will be tracked via a worship credit system. No credit will be given to members of churches led by ordained female pastors.

Dissenting voices within Adventism will be written up and punished with “indefinite amounts of manual labor at some far flung summer camp,” said Nuevo.

Oversight of Adventist martial law compliance will be paid for by fines applied to members who are late to church or found to be out of compliance with voted policy.

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  1. This so called suggested dress code in un-Biblical. What we need to do is dress like the Jesus, the Apostles, the Pharisees, the Sadducees all those Bible characters. What was the woman taken in adultery wearing? Check it out, ladies!! Now that’s dress code worth seeing! Get it ready for the next GC in Indy. How about a John the Baptist dress code? Let’s stick with the Scriptures, not this man made stuff!

  2. Elena de Blanca

    “Women should dress like they are on 3ABN.” Why not go a little further and dress like the women of the Taliban with head-to-toe burqas? We certainly don’t want to arouse men’s “animal passions”!

  3. Kim Jong-Ugly

    Southern and the GC remind me of my regime in NK. Dictatorship by any other name is still dictatorship. You guys better obey my friend Kim Jong Ted (Kim Jong Wilson), or else!

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