HOLLYWOOD, Calif. —- Months of speculation regarding who will play James Bond after the release of Spectre, the latest instalment in the franchise, have finally ended. Daniel Craig is bowing out. An Adventist former punk rocker and very talented skateboarder-turned-evangelist will take over. David Asscherick is the new Bond.
Asscherick said that he had notified creators of the series that he would only take the role if the Bond women, which draw fans like a magnet, were replaced by a single Bond woman. Asscherick will play a new kind of Bond that, in between skateboarding action scenes, takes a single Bond woman on a vespers date, verifies that she is a nurse and then marries her in a ring-less ceremony.
“We are shaking things up a little. Hollywood craves variety and we are going to deliver,” said Asscherick who is already practicing to make sure he is in top shape to successfully execute all of his own skateboarding stunts.
Asscherick has pushed back on Adventist critics who were quick to blast the idea of an Adventist Bond. “If we are going to reach more of the unchurched with the End Time message, there is no stronger vehicle than the Bond franchise,” said the evangelist.
Filming will take place in several countries around the world and will feature car chases in and through countless Adventist college campuses as well as emotional recoveries for the new Bond in brightly-lit, highly-vegetarian Adventist hospitals.
Asscherick added that he hopes the role will allow him to display the fruits of a healthy Adventist lifestyle as well as various practical survival skills any good Pathfinder already knows.
The name is Assherick, everyone, David Asscherick.
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