“If your dream is to open a coffee shop, put it next to an Adventist college campus,” says the US-based Coffee Shop Owners Association (CSOA). In their quarterly best practice advisory, the association pointed to exploding revenues reported by coffee shops that are currently located within a 5-mile radius of Adventist schools.
“The vast majority of Adventist college campuses do not feature coffee shops and do not allow the sale of caffeinated beverages,” said the report. “Sleep-deprived students on Adventist colleges are flocking to any establishment that can serve up a quality latte.”
“I’ve never seen anything like it!” said Jess Romero, a CSOA analyst. Romero pointed to sales data that showed incredible customer loyalty in Adventist college student populations. “Due to the rural location of many Adventist schools there is little competition and a good coffee shop basically has a monopoly on the market of kids that will stay in establishments for hours, ordering cup after cup.”
“Adventist college kids are a godsend to the coffee shop industry,” said CSOA President Janet White. “Long live Adventist education!”
Satan is on the loose again. First there is the specious argument from worldly “scientists” against the Creation 6,000 years ago. Now this. The “scientific community” of scoundrels is trying to undermine the health of our precious youth by undermining faith in God’s Word by saying moderate amounts of caffeine may even be “good” for humans! Do they have left any regard for the truth? What’s next? That humankind is contributing to violent storms and melting sea ice? New diseases among children croping up because the earth is getting warmer? Such blasphemy! They are trying to take credit for shifting responsibility away from God’s work in destroying the earth, except for his people, of course.
Shoot. I was only gonna check out this new coffee shop next to PUC. I wasn’t planning on unleashing the forces of the apocalypse.
Aw Shucks-I meet the finest SDA’s in a coffee shop-Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, etc. Let’s decaffeinate the decaffeinated coffee. Bring back POSTUM!!