Revelation beast illustrations are not scary enough, says General Conference


SILVER SPRING, Md. — Illustrators at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists have reportedly been taking a lot of heat over complaints that the renderings of the beasts of Revelation are “not scary enough.”

“Kids aren’t even looking up from their iPhones during the Daniel and Revelation seminars,” complained a church official after taking a strong sip of 7-Up during an emergency hearing. “If we can’t put fear in their eyes, how are we ever going to keep them on the straight and narrow?”

“We’ve got to get better at this. Right now our beasts look like bad ’70s Disney,” added the chair of the hearing. “This simply is not good enough.”

“I remember when I first saw the Revelation Beasts at age 10. They gave me nightmares for weeks. Sometimes I STILL have them,” said another church official, now 50. “That is what we need today.”

“Show us the scary!!” he said as he polished off a Little Debbie snack.

The artists were tasked with coming up with an image using something that kids in general fear and was memorable enough to go viral.

“In this day and age, we’ve got to be able to bring it to the Interwebs,” said another official.

Artists worked feverishly around the clock to come up with an image for the committee. Many did not go home, but curled up under their desks with sesame seed candy.

“There’s been some serious gnashing of teeth,” said one junior artist while pre-emptively packing a Worthington Foods box with some of his desk contents.

Finally, after what seemed like hours of work, they presented, “The New Old Beasts of Revelation:”
new old beasts of revelation
In response, the chairperson said, “I think we’re finally getting somewhere.”

(Image courtesy Wickerfurniture on Flickr with some modifications. No puppies were harmed in the making of this image.)


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  1. Pingback: Beasts not scary enough, says General Conference | BarelyAdventist

  2. A. Nonymous

    What’s with all the references to Little Debbie products on BA? They had another article the other day with Auntie Adventist where she linked to a Little Debbie fruit pie. Is this just their gag? Or do a lot of Adventists eat Little Debbie products?

  3. Flyboy

    Yes we eat lots of Debbies. Here in Collegedale I feed them to my kids for breakfast every day. It is in my contract, since I work for the church. My kids were excited to see Farrell had converted to Adventism as well. As for being wholly owned by one or the other, unfortunately there is no connection whatsoever, but there is a proposal pending on the McKee board of directors to just buy the SDA church outright so it can change up the SDA logo a bit to include the face of Debbie.

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