Bald Adventist pastor wonders why bears aren’t devouring his critics

CRANKY CORNER, Mont. — Senior Pastor Fred Uhp of Mockingjay Lane Seventh-day Adventist Church has begun to openly complain to his staff about the lack of dangerous wildlife surrounding the church premises.

Although Uhp’s church is situated deep in Montanta bear country, the despairing pastor has scoured local papers for bear sightings to absolutely no avail. “Where’s a pack of carnivores when you need them?” he has audibly grumbled, scanning the church parking lot hopefully after recent services.

Uhp is also said to have dedicated hours of study to the life of the prophet Elisha lately. Despite his reading he says he is at a loss to explain why, after he has “clearly fulfilled all the physical requirements,” a pack of grizzlies hasn’t attacked back pew members of his church that have cracked one too many jokes about his sermons.



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    1. Vladimir Pukin'

      I will send over some of our vicious Siberian she-bears. They will rip the critics to shreds. Just tell my friend B’Rock O’Bomba when you want them delivered. Poka, do svidaniya!

  1. Richard Mills

    Pastor Fred needs to be filled completely with the Holy Spirit and covered with that Mantle. Stop the complaining, Fred or you won’t see translation riding in the fiery chariots. It could be to the other place!! Woe is me.

    1. Vladimir Pukin'

      Hey Bugs, that sounds pretty sinister to me. Maybe it’s the Syrian refugees, like “rabid dogs” as Ben Carsinogen says. Let’s hire President Donald Dump to investigate the conspiracy theory.

  2. John Fariseigh Hippokrit

    As a church elder, I’m going to tell the pastor and the church board, next time I find the Deacon in the topless bar. The Deacon has a LOT of explaining to do, and the she-bears definitely should attack him. I think that is actually what Pastor Uhp has in mind. (In case you’re wondering, I was simply carrying out my duty to keep tabs on the deacons and pray for the dancers. It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it. And don’t worry, I always “keep a level eye.”)

      1. Baloney Detector

        Yeah, right, Deacon. You must have a very different definition of “ministry.” Our ruling: “B.S.” As for John Fariseigh Hippokrit, our ruling is: “Pants on Fire.”

  3. Baloney Detector

    This is such a bunch of B.S. (Baloney Silliness). Sevvy is such a talented writer; why doesn’t he use his talents to write something true and worthwhile, like Catcher in the Rye or gangsta rap lyrics?

  4. APlusDave

    Most of these jokes don’t ‘bear’ repeating! Perhaps the back row denizens are actually making fun of his theology, not his personage.

    Or, perhaps, they are ‘blinded by the light’ reflecting off his pate.

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