SILVER SPRING, Md. — Angels assigned to watch over Adventist church bureaucrats held an emergency meeting today as frustration over Adventist jargon reached what spokesangel Riseubuvit called “apocalyptic levels.”
While Riseubuvit said that thousands of “inside baseball” acronyms, outdated terms and “straight-up made up words” were bad enough, the angel claimed that his colleagues were most stumped by the difference between the terms “commissioned” and “ordained” in the context of doing God’s work.
Riseubuvit said that although angels noticed an obvious difference in pay and power between Adventist pastors that were commissioned and those that were ordained, God seemed to value both the same.
“It seems like Adventists are stuck in centuries-old thinking that values men over women,” said Riseubuvit. “So they call their male pastors ordained after a few years and give them all the credit while female pastors are just commissioned despite often doing a better job.”
The spokesangel said that the assembly of angels voted to somehow impress upon the minds of retirement age Adventist power brokers that “God could care less whether they call their pastors commissioned or ordained as the distinction between the two status terms is as unbiblical as it is stupid.”