BATTLE CREEK, Mich. — An Adventist husband, who declined to be named, expressed disappointment that describing his wife’s teeth as “a flock of shorn sheep” and her breasts as “two baby deer,” while calling her endearing terms such as “my sister, my bride” did not result in the action he was hoping for on a quiet Friday evening.
“I had hoped she would respond by telling me to come to her garden and eat her choicest fruits,” he stated with a chagrined look, “but instead of the passionate kisses I was hoping for, she told me it was my turn to do the dishes and that I should sleep on the couch that evening.”
He ended by recommending that other Adventist spouses exercise discernment in which passages of scripture should be quoted to their spouses after a romantic date night of haystacks and Bible study.
Special thanks to Melinda Wong for the story submission
Single, separated, divorced and widowed Adventists who want to change that status wanted.
“. . . after a romantic date night of haystacks and Bible study.” Maybe that’s the problem.
Doomed from the start:)
Lol, I know that right!
While he’s in the doghouse, the dude should read 25 Things Women Wish Men Knew About Women
And “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Sex.”
SMH. Give the guy a break. The lady had a headache. She must not realize that sex cures headaches.
Don’t be so hard on the man. I once called my wife a “beautiful gorilla” and I spent the night in the hospital.
Jay Zee tried that “flock of sheep” line on me one time. Notice, I said one time.
Not sure which song the “Song of Solomon” is, but it sounds lame. Melania prefers “Bailando” by Enrique Iglesias. But I spent the evening reading “Two Corinthians” to her, and it was a YUGE tremendous success. Try it!
He should not be surprised. Most women don’t believe in sex before marriage. They don’t believe in sex after marriage, either.
He forgot the box of Carob treats. Works every time.
He had no business trying to seduce her, indulging the “animal passions.” The “act of marriage” is only for procreation. (In fact, I got pregnant by osmosis.) Men just need to Stop. Acting. Like. Animals. Adventists must avoid the “canine passions.” If he thinks he’s a stud, he belongs in the doghouse!
Take one look at the guy. What an ugly, stubby beard. Most girls hate to kiss a porcupine. Tell him to shave and try again. . . .
Memo to All Men:
It really isn’t so difficult to seduce your wife. It’s a proven fact that women have a sweet tooth, which is an erogenous zone. Just break out a case of Little Debbie® Oatmeal Creme Pies. Best aphrodisiac this side of the Mississippi.
The SDA Church should follow the Catholics’ example. Promote more sex and less birth control. Result: more babies, more Adventists, more tithe revenue.
Jealous SDA women should be the first to beg their husband to go to bed with them, as often as possible–as often as he can stand it. Reason? A well-satisfied man won’t be interested in straying. He will roll over and fall asleep and probably won’t care much for romance for a day or two until his hormones get “recharged.” Jealous SDA women, pay attention. It works.
This story is inappropriate. It treats women like sex objects, just like we do in Cuba.
At least the man’s methods were legal. And it was his own wife. . . .
Good to hear from Melinda Wong who contributed this story idea. We used to work together at the same Adventist hospital.
Well duh. I used to work “together” with her at a “different” hospital.
The true church is Baptist. There are no Lutherans, Methodists, Adventists, etc., in the Bible. The only church mentioned is Baptist: “In those days John the Baptist came, preaching in the wilderness of Judea.” (Matt. 3:1.)
So… I’m not the Melinda Wong you’re thinking of, for the record. Will switch names to protect the innocent.
– the contributor
Most people are not as innocent as they claim.
The woman in this story must be my mother-in-law. Sounds exactly like the way she trained my wife.
It says he did not get “the action he was hoping for on a quiet Friday evening.” That’s the problem! The Sabbath starts on Friday evening, and his wife knows that sex is a sin on Sabbath. Try again after sunset on Saturday night.
Hah, but good Adventists know from their Jewish friends that sex on the Sabbath is considered a “double mitzvah” (good thing) because it adds to the joy of Sabbath. (http://www.thejc.com/judaism/rabbi-i-have-a-problem/68658/why-sex-allowed-shabbat)
Marriage is basically a legalized form of harlotry where the wife gives services in the bedroom in exchange for financial support from the husband. When you boil it all down, it’s money for sex — a crime in most states.
So marriage should be illegal? Tell that to Elizabeth Taylor, married 8 times.
Yeah, and the Queen of England is a prisoner in her palace.
Mad Donna, you’re so right on.
It’s a crime to trade a little money for a little sex for a little while. That’s called “Prostitution.” But it’s just fine to trade a lot of money for a little sex for a long time, that’s called “Holy Matrimony.”
The other funniest thing, of course, if you do it for free, or for dinner and drinks, or a movie, or a Heritage Singers concert, or something like that, no problem, a sin fer sure, but not a crime.
If you do it for a dollar, to jail you go!
Donald has a Twitter problem; Hillary has an e-mail problem; Bill has a female intern problem; the gentleman in this report has a crabby-wife problem. And Donald has “small hands.” Everybody has problems. Vote for Burny Sanders – “A Future to Believe In,” with a campaign that has no future whatsoever.
Sevvy should do a story about an SDA getting condemned for watching Star Wars in a movie theater — and the condemner watches it at home. Can anyone explain what is wrong with watching the exact same movie in a different location? Maybe it’s because the popcorn is stale at the cinema? Or because it has the screen is bigger?
Simple answer. It’s because worldly people are in the cinema (never mind that they are also in the grocery store and Walmart) and your guardian angel will have to wait outside.
Johnny: Daddy, why can’t we watch this movie at the cinema instead at home?
Daddy: Because worldly people are at the cinema.
Johnny: Aren’t worldly people at the grocery store and Walmart, too?
Daddy: Yeah, but the people at the cinema are really worldly.
Johnny: How do you know?
Daddy: Because they go to the cinema.
I once read in a Holy Book, “And Judas went out and hung himself. Go thou and do likewise.” This sex thing is spooking me out. This jerk should have been good looking like Solomon, wealthy as Solomon and wise as Solomon. And Bathsheba must have been something to look at!! We will all find out when we all get to Heaven. Right? I like the idea of Little Debbies. Chocolate flavors do the trick-get it? the trick. It used to work for all my female friends when in college. Woe iz me!! MEMO to Donald Dump-you should begin to read Third Corinthians.
This is hilarious…. Who would have thought that using The Song of Solomon would have created such a stream of carnal wisdom just over a little role in a haystack! No wonder my lovely wife Hidethee loves BA so much!
Unlike me, this poor husband could honestly say: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman!”
Well, it all depends on what the meaning of “is” is.
Yo, Slick Willie & Bill C. You wanna know what is is? It is what it is. That’s All Folks!
Lol…the comments and screen names are more entertaining that the article. Thanks, everyone!
*than, not that (sorry)
Nice read guys, considering we just studies Song of Solomon in last week’s ABSG.