Adventist headquarters to move to undisclosed cave if Trump wins

Beginning of the End
Beginning of the End

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Senior leaders at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists are reviewing a list of secret locations to which staff and day-to-day operations could relocate if real estate mogul and Republican frontrunner Donald Trump wins the US presidency. Trump is widely seen as a threat to religious freedom and personal liberty, two values highly prized by the denomination.

GC Emergency Mobility Department spokesperson Oye Vamos said that while, for obvious reasons, he could not divulge the locations under consideration, leadership was exclusively considering caves.

Vamos said that veteran Adventist evangelist and former cave dweller Doug Batchelor had been summoned to the Silver Spring headquarters of the church “to talk options.” Batchelor has reportedly advised against a relocation to the specific cave he lived in as a wayward youth, as that would prove too obvious a hideout.

Although Vamos said that a minimum Pathfinder qualification of “Explorer” was a condition for GC employment, all full-time GC staff not involved in location selection are currently taking refresher courses in essential skills, such as cat species recognition and soap carving.


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  1. Burny Colonel Sanders

    I’ll be “feeling the bern” in a deep, dark cave in Vermont. I’ll bring plenty of Postum, Fri-Chik, and Special-K Loaf in case some Adventists want to visit me.

  2. Ray Kraft

    If Donald The Trumpster gets elected there won’t be nearly enough caves to go around, and Canada and Mexico are gonna have the greatest refugee crisises in history as millions of Americans swim the Rio Grand and trek through the desert at night to avoid the Federales on their way to Cancun or anywhere south of the border.

  3. 7Upper

    Barely needs to get a new rumor mill, the old one stinks. Truth: Trump is moving the GC headquarters to his new Post Office coversion to hotel since the GC committee has agreed to hold up the Second Advent until the end of his office, or until the completion of the wall, whichever comes first.

    1. Donald Dumpster

      Actually, I’m moving the GC to Ted Cruz’s back yard. Ted Wilson and Ted Cruz will have it out, and Heidi will break up the fight by doing a surprise ALS Ice Bucket Challenge on them.

  4. oldschool

    I’ve said it before why not again? “I’m with Hellery!” Or maybe I will just move to Mexico. After all, there will be wall between me and those crazies to the north. Trouble is, I will have to help pay for it!

  5. Luray Pastor

    Here is a big clue:

    Sands [now Stanley], Va., Thursday, November 6, 1890—Brother Robinson, Sara McEnterfer, Willie White and I were accommodated by Brother Lewis taking us with his horses and carriage about eight miles to Luray to see the caverns. We went into a building and for one dollar each we were furnished a guide, and I was astonished at what my eyes beheld. To give a description of this scene is simply impossible. It was wonderful, too wonderful to describe. We spent one hour and a half, with electric lights and lanterns or a tin with candles, three in each tin. We rode back, taking our dinner as we rode back to our stopping place at Sands. The road was quite rough but we enjoyed the ride very much. The day was mild, the sun shone in clearness, and the scenery was good. (2MR, 323)

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