Berkeley, Calif. — Justin Tamber, a self-styled “Adventist Date Doctor” promises prospective Adventist clients over age 30 a happy romance with a fellow Adventist within a month of signing up for his coaching.
“I am so confident that I can find you a wonderful Adventist date that I am offering a full money-back guarantee plus a box of consolation carob treats if you don’t succeed within a month of signing up for coaching,” said Tamber.
Tamber claims that there is an unhealthy pressure on Adventists to get married young. “There is this erroneous belief that if you aren’t married or at least engaged in college that your future marriage prospects are doomed and that you will be condemned to lonely nights of Little Debbie binge consumption,” said Tamber. “My coaching is devoted to bringing hope to what has been a desert of despair for dateless Adventists.”
The coaching is available to both men and women. Clients have to demonstrate that they have taken Tamber’s advice to avail themselves of the money-back guarantee if at the end of the first 30 days they have, as he puts it, “seen no romantic sparks that get the fire of Adventist love going.”
Tamber boasts a 95% success rate with clients so far. “Within a week of signing up for Justin’s coaching I was holy-flirting with all kinds of attractive males at church during the second service meet and greet,” said Kate Jenners, of Minneapolis, Minn. “Let’s just say I haven’t had a date-less Sabbath afternoon nature walk since.”
“I thought my chances of love died when nobody bought me at the bachelor auction back in my undergrad days at Andrews. Nothing could be further from the truth,” said Rodrigo Figueroa of Pasadena, Calif. “Justin brought out the Adventist Casanova in me that always lurked beneath the surface.”