Adventist Church reprimands Union College for slipping okra into haystacks

The GC is taking a stand against okra...
The GC is taking a stand against okra…

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church released a scathing rebuke of the denomination’s Nebraska-based Union College this morning. The criticism from the church’s General Conference was issued due to Union’s use of an unusual ingredient in the ultra-Adventist “haystacks” dish.

Union allegedly used the vegetable okra in a giant haystack served to the public at the school’s inaugural Haystack Summit this past Saturday. Members of a visiting delegation from the GC immediately expressed their dismay at the use of the vegetable, accusing Union of “irresponsibly straying from the straight and narrow path” of Adventist tradition.

While admitting that okra was a somewhat unorthodox choice for a haystack ingredient, school administrators said that Union students from Mississippi had sold them on what they called a “delicious addition to this Adventist classic” while stressing that “diversity really adds flavor.”

The GC delegation remained unimpressed: “We made the trip to gather in fellowship with the Union family around the tenets of Adventist faith that define our unique experience: Fritos, black beans, rice, and shredded lettuce,” said GC Director of Culinary Heritage, Uber Bland. “Nowhere in our church manual is the use of okra encouraged or sanctioned.”



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    1. Ben Carsinogen

      Nothing is wrong with coffee. I myself need to drink more of it before the next debate so I can at least appear to be awake. Hopefully they’ll also give me a hearing aide so I can hear my name called to go onto the stage.

    2. Teddy Wilson

      WARNING: Henceforth, any Adventist caught drinking coffee, or even thinking about drinking coffee, shall be whipped with a wet noodle, beaten with a feather, and deported to Miami. (And if Donald Tramp is elected, you shall also be extradited to his jurisdiction for waterboarding and worse!)

    3. The rule remains: Postum and carob. The Bible does not allow chocolate and coffee. The SBI is being ordered to investigate this matter. In case you didn’t know, the SBI is Teddy’s FBI-style Scriptural Bureau of Investigation. Union College may have to shape up or ship out!

    4. Donald Dump

      All coffee at Union College will be heavily taxed in my administration to raise the $8 billion dollars needed to build the Great Wall of Mexico, unless of course, Mexico pays for it just because I tell them to. When I say “jump,” they only ask “how high?”

    5. Sum Ting Wong

      Something is wrong here. Leave the coffee alone, guys. Even my friends Wi Tu Lo and Bang Ding Ow believe this thread has veered off track and is about to crash. It’s about haystacks. Got it?

  1. Mark O. Ruby-oh

    Getting back to haystacks, I personally like the General Conference prescribed recipe, and I would not deviate from it. Teddy Wilson knows exactly what he’s doing. Let’s dispel with the myth that he doesn’t know what he’s doing; he knows precisely what he is doing!

    1. Kris Kristy

      There you go again, Mark O. The 25-second memorized rote speech. That’s what Washington does to you. All you can do is robotically regurgitate sound-bytes crafted by speech-writers. You should be like me and drop out of the race.

    1. Ray Kraft

      The National Institutes of Health just published a report finding that excessive consumption of sugar and other carbohydrates is a major factor in obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and cancer, reporting that overdosing on sugar alone causes 200,000 premature deaths in America every year!

      But Little Debbies knows better!

  2. Richard Mills

    Okra usage is of no nutritional value in Haystacks. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Okra is only used in Gumbo down in Louisiana. Lotsa ham, etc. Touch not the unclean thang, y’all. Little Debbies served with Haystacks is OK wit me. Maybe the new hot dogs now being marked at Burger King is OK. They answer to a higher power. I’m goin’ to the GC cafeteria Tuesday, Feb. 16 and check it out. They are closed Fri-Mon for President’s Day. President Teddy, that is. What kind of dream is this or am I being carried off into vision?
    Woe iz me!!!!

  3. John Elvis Bush

    Hi, I’m John Elvis “Jeb” Brush. I eat haystacks with Little Debbie’s and brussels sprouts (not okra). Vote for me, and I’ll vote for you. And please don’t forget to attend your friends’ funerals, or they may not attend yours.

  4. ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍~ ‍BREAKING NEWS ~
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Southern Adventist University Announces 26th President

    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Collegedale, Tenn.– Today Southern Adventist University’s Board of Trustees unanimously voted to formally invite Dr. Benjamin S. Carson to serve as the school’s 26th president. After much prayer, Carson has accepted the position.

    “I am honored to follow Gordon Bietz who has provided Southern with 19 years of distinguished leadership,” Carson said. β€œI look forward to partnering with God and all who are associated with Southern to see how He will make a special school even more special.”

    Carson, a retired neurosurgeon, is no stranger to the campus, having donated his services to perform lobotomies on students and staff during a 17 year period in the ’80s and ’90s. Though an exact start date has yet to be determined, Dr. Carson looks forward to working alongside President Bietz in the months leading up to his retirement.

    Accordingly, Dr. Carson has announced that he is suspending his campaign for nomination as the Republican presidential candidate. “Serving as President of Southern is a far greater honor than running for President of the United States, and I really like the Collegedale area a lot better than Washington, D.C.,” said Dr. Carson in a news release.

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