ABC stores stock veggie cheese that doubles as emergency candle


A new brand of vegetarian cheese has just hit the shelves of Adventist Book Centers. Marketed as a “multi-purpose product,” Durocheeze is not only a “delicious” cheese substitute but also comes with a separately-wrapped wick.

“Durocheeze is the ultimate Adventist food item,” said Marketing Director, Becky Day. “It lasts unrefrigerated on a shelf for years and, in addition, functions as a slow-burn candle in case there is a power cut this winter or you get short notice on the Time of Trouble.”

Adventist customer testimonials testify to the merits of Durocheeze. “The amazing thing about Durocheeze is how long it burns,” said Mary Tetzer from Buchanan, Mich. “I tested one over Thanksgiving and one block of Durocheeze lasted a full 48 hours.”

Tetzer added that her one reservation about using Durocheeze as a candle was that it cannot be used in closed spaces due to the fact that it emits a “mild but persistent odor that can only be described as aged Brussels Sprouts.”

The creators of Durocheeze have defended the product against odor-related complaints, stating that the product should only be used as a candle in true emergencies and that, first and foremost, it should be enjoyed as cheese.

After being pressed on her opinion of Durocheeze as an ingestible, Tetzer said that she had tasted a sample and that she felt the product made a better candle. Asked if she would eat the Durocheeze in a survival context to avoid starvation, Tetzer paused before answering, “I might eat the wick.”

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  1. Richard Mills

    Find five more uses and become a Master Guide!! Gives new meaning to the song, ,”This little cheese stick of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.” Maybe now somebody can market Prime Steaks as substitute hockey pucks or for skeet shooting!! Woe is me!!

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