A third of Adventist pastors face termination for being too boring

This is bad...
This is bad…

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A leak from high-level personnel discussions at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists indicates that the denomination is on the verge of terminating the employment of a third of its ministers.

The reason for the forced exodus was described as “eye-crossingly bad services that our congregations are forced to battle every Sabbath under the dulling leadership of ministers that bring new meaning to the term ‘monotone.'”

“Boring Adventist pastors are not a new thing,” admitted a source close to the GC discussions who asked only to be identified as “Muriendo.” “Monotonous pastors are a time-honored tradition of the Adventist Church.”

He said that the sheer scale of what sleepy insiders have termed “the boredom epidemic” was what was taking church leaders by surprise.

Muriendo said that church leaders have declared a state of emergency as complaints have poured in from around the globe. He added that getting rid of a third of Adventist ministers was just dealing with “low hanging fruit” and that real change would require a lot more work. “This is a crisis and we can barely stay awake to stay on top of it.”



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  1. Merry Mary

    This is nothing. I once heard of a preacher who was so boring, not only his congregation fell asleep, but the preacher himself fell asleep at the pulpit.! A visitor showed up late and found every soul in the entire sanctuary slumbering, snoozing, and snoring. The visitor quickly slipped out and left, assuming that it was a private slumber party to which he not been invited.

  2. María Sánchez

    This not is funny. I awake in church when not sleep. This story no is real. He is fake or real fake. Sevvy no has nothing better about to write. He like invent news that is no news. He lose time by write crap. Why talent is waste? Debería escribir anuncios políticos de hip-hop para Ben Carsón.

  3. Richard Mills

    What we need from our up & coming preachers is more hellfire & brimstone sermons. Scary ones about end times. Health lectures that will make you be healthy or else. Dress reform sermons to make you want to dress plain & simple. Where is the preaching of HMS Richards, Floyd Detamore, Joe Crews, CD Brooks, Billy Sunday, et al. ? The blame lies at the root of all this rubbish. Why aren’t the Deacons doing their job of going around with a feather attached to a stick and wake up these snoozers? I’m sick & tired of being sick & tired. I work hard all week. I need time to sleep. Sermon time is the best time to do it. Woe iz me!!

    1. Donald Duck Trump

      Sorry, Richard, “There is no rest for the wicked.” (Isaiah 48:22) As you correctly identified at first, what we need is not deacons with feather-awakeners, but louder, scarier, more bombastic hellfire & brimstone sermons. Either that or serve coffee before the sermon, like the Sunday churches do. (Now you know why they do it!)

      1. Ray Kraft

        Can’t serve coffee. We know coffee is bad. It has caffeine, and caffeine is bad, whether it’s actually quite a sin or not I’m not quite sure, although I think it probably is, whether it’s a mortal since, a grave sin, or merely a venial sin, is up for debate, or maybe a sin is a sin is a sin no matter how big or small, and drinking coffee is just as sinful as adultery, armed robbery, and murder, who am I to say? . . .maybe the GC should study that issue for fifty years and issue an Unpapal Encyclical.

        But you can take two Excedrin before going to church, 130 mg of caffeine in two Excedrin, but it’s medicinal caffeine, it’s in a pill, not coffee, you can’t actually enjoy drinking it, no taking your own pleasure in that, so it’s okay, and then the eternal sermon doesn’t give you an eternal headache, either.

  4. Ray Kraft

    Now, now, a lot of have sleep deficits from working so much during the week, so why not solve two problems with one stone, ya know, get rid of all those wooden pews, replace them with nice comfy recliner sofas, then we can relax and sleep as long as we like while the preacher drones on and on and on for all of eternity as long as he likes . . . aren’t eternal sermons meant to prepare us for an eternal life of eternal sermons?

  5. Ray Kraft

    I think I’m on a roll here, here’s a thought, we could make good use of all those eternal sermons.

    Have them transcribed (like, by a court reporter) then have the Book of Sermons published each week, with every sermon from every Adventist preacher in the world, the Book of Sermons can be distributed to all the English classes in every SDA Academy (and, in translation, to every non-English speaking Academy), where the weekly Book of Sermons can be used by the students to practice diagraming sentences. Not just a sentence here and there, they can diagram entire sermons! They soon be the best sentence diagrammers in history!

    Adventist students will win every Diagramming Sentences Super Bowl for all of eternity fer sure!

    1. María Sánchez

      Deer Ray, is great your idea! I needs learn the english betters. I not wait to reception the Book of Sermons! I send diagrams for you. Then I put book under pillow to learn when sleep. Gracias!

  6. Ray Kraft

    And if all those eternal sermons are video’d they can all be streamed on Three Angels Broadcasting Network, cable, satellite, and internet, 24/7/365, you can watch and listen on your ipod anywhere! . . . the message unto all the world!

  7. Richard Mills

    I got a better idea. Televise all over the NA Division one sermon by Teddy each Sabbath. He’s pretty good at keepin’ me awake. It will be mandatory for every SDA to attend. Or else!! Watch the offerings swell. Watch the tithes double, maybe triple. I’m willing to do this at my church beginning March 5. All SDA churches have a DISH receiver. No problem here. Produce weekly promos. Discount coupons for Little Debbies, Big Franks, Roma coffee, free BP check ups from Loma Linda. The whole nine yards I can visualize the huge success of this idea. The GC Communications Dept. has all the resources. I’m all excited. I can’t wait. Hey-who’s that tickling me on my head. It was a dream or was it?

    1. Donald Tramp

      Awesome idea. I’ll pay for it as long as they include a promo for my election campaign. Otherwise, you better get Dwight Nelson or Doug Batchelor. Those guys better at keeping the faithful awake, in my humble opinion. Teddy looks too stilted and scripted, like the infamous VP, “Wooden” Al Gore. And no, the “dream” of feathers tickling your head was not a dream; it was a delusion. Time for the padded cell again. Woe iz you!

    1. Jebra Bush

      Sorry, Mr. O’Fill, it’s not that easy. Those “commissioned” female pastors are boring, too. Boringness is gender-neutral. Everyone is boring unless they follow Richard’s advice above: gotta give ’em the bombastic, hellfire & brimstone screamin’ and shoutin’ kind of sermons that will send chills up their spine.

  8. Heather Snooze

    that problem is so easy to fix: reintroduce what they did in the 18 century to keep sleepy heads paying better attention. Give the elder a 9 foot dowelling dangling a feather on the end, or worse, a brass knob. I think in Isaiah, he called for more trumpets. Maybe we could substitute drums.

  9. Richard Mills

    This Just IN!!! An AHOC GC committee has adopted my ideas. A GC lawyer has copyrighted and trade marked them so I can live comfortably the rest of my life. No more suggestions. What’s done is done. Watch R&H magazine for more update. I can’t give anymore particulars. Legal stuff you know! Thanks for all your in put. MOMMY-did I say the right words like you said?

      1. Joe Stalin

        Or leave it to Ben Carson to quote fake “quotes” from “Joseph Stalin” in the debate on Feb. 13. Both Snopes and CNN fact-checkers have thoroughly debunked the fake “quote.”

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