Walla Walla administration resigns as PUC is ranked top place to find a spouse

Actual PUC graduates...
Actual PUC graduates…

COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — That didn’t take long.  Less than a week after Adventist news organizations started to report that Pacific Union College was the only Adventist college to rank as a top school in which to find a spouse, Walla Walla University’s administration has resigned en masse.

In its recently published 2015 rankings, Niche, a national database of school information, listed PUC as seventh on its list of most marriage-friendly schools across America.  PUC was the only Adventist school which made the list, an especially surprising fact as Niche placed special emphasis on religious colleges in its rankings.

As the news of the surprise ranking was reported by Adventist news outlets, it took the Adventist higher education world by storm.  While both Southern Adventist University and Walla Walla (traditionally recognized as marriage production powerhouses) have reported devastating numbers of their students flocking to register at PUC, Walla Walla is the first to announce personnel changes as a result.

“We are big enough people to recognize when we have failed at our greatest mission: being the number one matchmaking institution in Adventist education,” said Frank Dapper, a WWU spokesperson.  “It is especially frustrating to cede this status to PUC as they don’t even seem to be trying.”  Dapper confirmed that Walla Walla’s administrative team had “decided that it was time for fresh blood to take a stab at regaining Walla Walla’s rightful place as the undisputed Marriage Mecca of Adventism.”

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  1. Ray Kraft

    Of course, going to PUC you’re surrounded by all those wineries and vineyards so you’re always reminded of Jesus making the very best wine at the wedding at Canaa so your unconscious mind is always thinking “wedding” and the rest is . . .

    1. Stan Stanley

      But remember, fermented wine is okay ONLY if it is: 1) labeled “natural” and “vegetarian” (or “vegan” for the really conservative folds); 2) is produced by PUC (or an SDA-owned company near its campus); 3) has the name “Little Noah’s;” and 4) is displayed beside the sugar-laden, fat-filled, calorie-packed, artery-clogging, obesity-inducing “Little Debbie’s” snack cakes–which are proudly stocked in SDA stores, apparently as a health remedy.

  2. Kyle Fritzman

    I’m surprised SAU didn’t get the highest honors. Back in the day when it was “Southern Missionary College,” it was affectionately known as “Southern Matrimonial College.” It was common knowledge that many of the pretty co-eds were there primarily to get their “Mrs.” degree.

  3. Amy Seltzer

    Please remove the inappropriate photo at the top of this story. It is far too risqué for an SDA-themed web site. Kissing should be reserved for the bedroom, behind locked doors, where the wife must remain clothed in a nightgown a long as the ankles and the couple studiously avoids arousing the “animal passions.” (Children must be produced by osmosis.)

    1. Paul

      “I once heard of a woman who felt uncomfortable whenever she came together with her husband in the bedroom. The source of her discomfort was a picture on the wall. She could not relax intimately with her husband until she had turned the picture of Jesus to the wall.” (John Nixon, Adventist Review, 3/2015)

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