SILVER SPRING, Md. — As Seventh-day Adventist retired pediatric neurosurgeon and 2016 US presidential contender, Ben Carson surges ahead in the Republican primary rankings, a wave of panic has swept the offices of the headquarters of the Adventist Church. Leaders that were mildly amused about an Adventist candidate for president when Carson was considered a long shot are now uniting in a hunger fast aimed at ending Carson’s run.
Carson has made headlines every week for months due to his rise in Republican polls and from a string of polarising political comments. The Adventist candidate recently said he doesn’t think a Muslim should be the president of the United States and has in the last few days called for kindergarten teachers to carry guns.
“We hope Dr.Carson will come to his senses soon and drop out of the race,” said GC Fast Coordinator, Pohr Phavor. “This has gone far enough and nobody at the GC director level or above is touching another morsel of FriChik or veggie lasagna until he quits.”
Many Adventist leaders participating in the hunger fast say that despite the physical discomfort of a formal fast, little about their eating patters has changed. I was having trouble eating anyway from living in fear of what Dr. Carson would say next,” said a GC vice president who wished to remain anonymous.
- Where Single Adventists meet. Free 2 year membership. Divorced, widowed, and never married welcomed. We want Adventists to meet other Adventists.
Ben’s using up all his best stuff before he even gets to Saturday Night Live!
Very poor response to try and discourage Carson for going for President. Even worse to get him to say that he is Baptist. As for the current US election. The SDA church will fortunately not be asked whether they agree with a female president. I suppose they’ll vote for Trump. Poor show to not accept yhe only female Conference President who God called…. Disappointed ….
Cool name for the GC Fast Coordinator, “Pohr Phavor.” Yes, the GC is crying “por favor” and “please,” Dr. Carson. . . .
Has anyone given any thought to how the SDA church would be able to mesh a Carson presidency with its traditional eschatology? Would an Adventist president really embrace the Catholic Church, institute Sunday laws, and bring about the end of the world?
Of course not, he would pass Sabbath laws, Sunday keepers off to jail. Jesus won’t need to return (hasn’t been in any hurry anyway). Paradise on earth would result. Finally God might have something to smile about! Motor on Savior Carson!
The President would also pass Haystacks laws, Little Debbie’s laws, and Special-K Loaf laws. America would be not only happier, but healthier. The more Little Debbies you eat, the healthier you get!
I’ve been told by highly placed confidential sources who have asked to remain anonymous speaking unofficially and off the record that President Carson’s first official act will be an executive order making Little Debbie’s the Official National Snacks.
Oh, Joe told you about that too?
To the delight of chickens everywhere (and to the chagrin of a certain restaurant chain), he would also pass Fri-Chik laws.
He would also change all the dance clubs to “mime clubs.” To rid the nation of “dirty dancing,” they would only be allowed to do “dirty miming.” And all the “exotic mimers” in gentlemen’s clubs would be replaced by mannequins. 🙂
Buy stock in Real Dolls.
The lakes, beaches, rivers, and swimming pools would rejoice because they would get a partial rest once a week. The Sabbath law would say “only wading allowed, and only up to your knees.”
And everybody, in every denomination, would have personal reserved seats in church. “How dare a visitor take my seat!”
And the whole nation would take Sabbath afternoon naps. Since it is a day of rest, there’s no better time for a siesta.
He better not pass a “veggie lasagna” law. That stuff tastes good, but it’s chock full of cheese with artery-clogging cholesterol. I hope the fasting GC leaders will feast on the vegan soy cheese variety if they survive the hunger strike.
It seems like they have that deceptively tantalizing food at every potluck around the country now. Churches could get a lot healthier if they replaced them with some sweet, tender Kentucky Fake Chicken, available at a KFC near you!
HOW BOUT SOME FRI CHIK BARAK
America’s new theme song would be George Michaels’ “I’m Never Gonna Dance Again [at least not until these 4 years are over].”
The song is actually called Careless Whisper. It’s that kind of careless fact-checking that’s going to keep you out of the white house, Ted.
I GUESS YOU SHOULD KNOW BERNIE, I HOPE YOU LIKE RUSSIA, YOU SHOULD FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.
I bet he would issue an executive order making E. White “everyone’s favorite author.”
SPARE US THE EGW STUFF
Close. Dr. Ben Carson should be disfellowshipped immediately due to his recently announced intention to Nazify the Department of Education and his faith in the Ayn Rand-ist propaganda of the Reichpublicans. Ayn Rand-ism is a Satanic delusion.
Every county in the nation would be a “dry county”–but Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider will, of course, be allowed. It will be the beverage of choice at President Carson’s victory party!
Boy Scouts would be replaced by Pathfinders. The SuperBowl would be replaced by Bible Bowl. The Olympics would be replaced by the General Conference Session, where athletes would be replaced by dueling theologians.
What about all those poor athletes who will soon be out of a job? I mean, in a few years we’ll see them all traveling the country making motivational speeches about how sinful their lives were until they found the true Gospel, but what will they do until then? Play football in the streets for whatever pity money people want to give them? This is madness, I tell you!
I think it’s very fitting that a superficial-minded Seventh-day Adventist President of the United States will bring in the time of trouble. http://everythingimportant.org/BenCarson
Why does everybody laugh so hard at these stories when they are not funny? This site is publishing comical lies in the name of “satire.” Satire is one thing; lies are another; this story is neither one! You can stop hiding behind that silly screen name (“sevvy”). We know who you are; our private eye has identified you as Bill Not of Willacoochee, Georgia. You are a great writer. Why not use your time and talent to write something true and worthwhile, like The Adventures of Captain Underpants or Harlequin Romance? Nobody (not even me) even reads this site anymore; and all the readers who write comments are a big bunch of losers (including me). What is the world coming to? A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore!
Oh I hope Dr. Ben gets elected . . . the comedy clubs will soon be swarmed with President Carson impersonaters! Bill Maher won’t be able to stop laffing! SNL will rise to new heights! Just wait ’til some good investigative journalist asks him if it’s true, as Ellen G. White says, that the leading cause of death and disease and mental illness in America is “secret vice!” and that dinosaurs were “amalgamations of man and beast!”
It’s true, Ray. I am living proof, because I died of “secret vice” 100 years ago.
And they buried an iPhone with me in the grave.
And my son is a dino.
The guys at the GC are wasting their precious time “fasting”. They need to hunger & thirst after righteousness. God sets up and puts down all kingdoms and its related leaders. Isn’t this what was wanted way back in King Saul’s time? Satire or not. Ain’t no different today. Woe is me!!
I don’t know about you, but whenever I fast, I start to hunger and thirst pretty quickly! Of course, I’m hungering as much for a delicious crispy chicken sandwich as for righteousness and all that good stuff, but the fact remains that… what was I talking about again?
Silly satire full of typos. Churn out some quality stuff to make us laugh!
Comes now, do’nt Be 2 critiqual of a feW typoz. You kan still get da meening, an it’z still funnie.
Hi Jack, I missed you last night. You didn’t even call. I still love you.
HuffPost is following in the footsteps of BarelyAdventist, saying Ben Carson is very smart but is “kind of an odd guy.”
There are rational, reasonable explanations for all of the so-called “lies” that the liberal media is accusing Carson of, including the Mannatech connection, the Perceptions 301 make-up exam at Yale, the claim of being temperamental and violent as a child, and the offer of a West Point education. It’s laughable how they are going through his book with a fine-toothed comb, desperately trying find something–anything–they can call “inconsistent” or “inaccurate.” Spend 5 minutes surfing reputable news outlets and you will see why the liberal critics’ accusations are full of holes. The liberal scandal-seekers are the only ones lying. Specifically, they’re lying about Carson. I bet their next step will be to bribe a nurse to claim there was an affair, or bribe Carson’s kindergarten teacher to claim that he once urinated in his pants or forgot to flush the toilet. I wouldn’t be surprised if The Donald or The Hillary are behind this quest to raise a scandal. It is sad to see how low the shysters will stoop in a vicious effort to discredit a true hero.
CNN reports that Douglas Morgan, a professor of history at Washington Adventist University, said, “Some [Adventists] are enthusiastic [about Carson’s candidacy] but it’s a small minority. I don’t get much of a sense from Adventists that this is our man, [that] this is our Adventist candidate.”
But Carson said he has found plenty of support among fellow members of his church and the criticism doesn’t bother him at all. In fact, “I don’t identify myself as an Adventist,” he said. “I identify myself more as an American who happens to believe in Christ.” http://www.cnn.com/2015/09/25/politics/ben-carson-2016-religion/index.html
GOOD FOR HIM. JC IS NOT RETURNING FOR SDA, ITS CHRISTIANS HE WANTS.
FAITH OVER WORKS, LOVE OVER LAW.
THE JEWS NEVER GOT IT. MANY CHRISTIANS DONT EITHER
When the Religion News Service asked Ben Carson to explain his connection to the SDA church in 1999, Carson gave what amounted to a noncommittal spiritual shrug.
“I spend just as much time in non-Seventh-day Adventist churches because I’m not convinced that the denomination is the most important thing,” he said. “I think it’s the relationship with God that’s most important.”
AND SO IT IS
AND?? DONT PISS THE GUY OFF, WE NEED HIS DONATIONS.
PARDON ME, “DONT URINATE THE GUY OFF”, WE NEED HIS DONATIONS.
Is Dr. Carson an adventist in the sense of believing that the kingdom of glory is an heavenly kingdom–not an earthly one?
So far as I know.
Does Dr. Carson expect a supernatural cataclysmic return of Jesus?
So far as I know
Does Dr. Carson expect the sleeping saints to be resurrected when Jesus returns?
So far as I know.
Does Dr. Carson believe the purpose of the return of Jesus is for him to take the risen saints and the saints who have survived until the second advent to be with him where he is?
So far as I know.
Is Dr. Carson an Adventists (with a capital “A”) in the sense of being a voting member in good standing in the Seventh-day Adventist organization?
So far as I know.
So who is “barely adventist”?
Well, let’s see: The pioneeers of the advent movement decried hierarchy.
Now who’s “barely adventist”?
The pioneers decried creeds (lists of doctrines employed to measure a person’s orthodoxy).
Now who’s “barely adventist”?
Is this a case of the pot calling the kettle black?
Maybe even when the kettle’s definition of “adventist” is closer to that of the pioneers.
LIKE THEY SAY IN SYRIA, “WELL DONE, WELL EXECUTED “
“Ben Carson Gives New Meaning to ‘Crazy'” – http://www.TheDailyBeast.com/articles/2015/10/11/ben-carson-gives-new-meaning-to-crazy.html
THE GC MAY NEED TO PAUSE AND CONSIDER THE NEED FOR SUCH A FAST, ESPECIALLY IN THE LIGHT OF THE BIBLICAL AND HEALTH REASONS FOR TRUE FASTING.IF IT CAN BE FIRMLY ESTABLISHED THAT THE ‘USA’ WILL FULFILL CERTAIN UNCONDITIONAL PROPHECIES, ACCORDING TO THE CHURCHES UNDERSTANDING , THEN WHY ASK THEIR GOD TO DO OTHER THAN WHAT THEY SAID HE PREDICTED TO COME TO PASS. WOULDN’T IT BE BETTER TO FAST FOR FITNESS TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT OF FAITH WHEN THE FINAL BATTLE CALL FOR FIT SOLDIERS TO”‘STAND LIKE A BRAVE WITH THEIR FACE TO THE FOE”[BE HE BEN OR ANOTHER FOE].
If Dr. Ben gets the nod those leaders at the GC are gonna be really hungry for a long time, and then what they gonna do if he gets elected?