SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an effort to “clear a few things up and establish unity once and for all”, the General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has declared an absolute monopoly on truth.
A statement from the GC acknowledged that though rebel unions and other misguided entities may express opinions on issues, a vast majority of hand-picked delegates from all over the Adventist world had agreed that the GC had the last say on God’s opinion.
“Whether we are talking about the ordination of women, authority of leadership or permissible skirt lengths, we are excited to announce that Adventists around the world can now safely turn off their minds and consciences and simply agree to everything we say,” said the GC statement.
The statement also said that dictatorships around the world have proven that you can get “a lot more mission done if you have less discussion and more obedience going on.”
Three words wrapped up the statement: “You are welcome.”