COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — In an effort to start 2016 on healthier footing, Adventist-owned Little Debbie Snack Cakes has launched the Carob Creme Pie.
The new pie is custom-tailored to appeal to an Adventist customer base that has for decades felt vague twinges of guilt about turning a blind eye to the enormous fat and sugar contents of their beloved snack cakes while giving lip service to the church’s health message.
“We all know that putting carob in anything automatically qualifies it as a health food,” said Little Debbie spokesperson Bubba Tubbs. “With our new Carob Creme Pies we have merely switched our oatmeal flavoring for carob paste so that our customers can continue to enjoy our amazing pies free of any Adventist guilt.”
Tubbs said that not only did the Carob Creme Pies serve as a “virtual super food” but they also brought new life to an ingredient that suffers lackluster taste reviews: “One look into the tired eyes of your average carob consumer and you know they need change, pronto.”
- Where Single Adventists meet. Free 2 year membership. Divorced, widowed, and never married welcomed. We want Adventists to meet other Adventists.
Since a dash of carob flavoring makes everything healthful and guilt-free, Pacific Press is planning to release a new line of “healthful” carob-flavored meth for 2016, to proudly be sold wherever you buy good SDA books and snack cakes. It’s a good way to entice potential book buyers into the store.
Well, it’s all about money. I’ll say it again: it’s all about money. If that company wasn’t owned by a good tithe-paying Adventist and did not employ tons of good tithe-paying Adventists, and did not donate a library to SAU, etc., there’s no way their obesity-and-diabetes-inducing products would be accepted as part of the health message by church leaders and denominational book stores and health food stores. It’s all about money. I’ll say it again: it’s all about money, “till debt do us part.”
I am a living testament to the wonderful health elixer known as Little Debbie’s. My sister was a 90-pound weakling before she accepted the Health Message and started consuming Little Debbie’s. Now she is a healthy 450 pounds, going on 500. What a difference! The best part is, those SDA snack cakes have built up her immunity to obesity, diabetes, heart attack, and stroke. Amen!
I wrote a rap about Little Debbie (who is no longer so little). Hope you like it.
Once there was a girl in Collegedale,
And Little Debbie was her name.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Lil Deb, Lil Deb.
She like to sing and she like to play
And she like to munch on d’ snacks all day.
Boom, bap, rumba rap.
Zhezoom, bedoong, bebop, ba-boom.
Well, the years went by and she saw the clocks
and she saw herself on d’ snack-cake box.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
She ate and ate,
and she did inflate.
‘Cause d’ “healthy snacks”
Was not the facts.
Oh yeah, o yeah.
Big Deb, Fat Deb.
Boom, bap, rumba rap.
Zhezoom, bedoong, be-bop, ba-boom~
Remember that Democratic debate where I came back to the podium 30 seconds late after the commercial break? Some folks (e.g. Donald Dump) thought I was taking long in the restroom. Little did they know, I was actually trying to finish one of those gooey Little Debbie’s carob-flavored Marshmallow Pies – and my dentures kept getting stuck and falling out. I had forgotten to bring my denture paste, but I found a tube of super glue in my purse. (That’s what Bill always used to say I should use to seal my mouth, when I kept nagging him about “that woman” in the blue dress in the Oval Office.) The good part is, I haven’t had to glue my dentures in again ever since I used that super glue. I can eat as many Little Debbie’s moon pies as I want, and the ole “teeth” are still firmly in place. Hooray!
I remember visiting my niece at a local self-supporting school and as I entered the Girl’s Home, there in it’s shining glory was a freshly iced cake. In friendly appreciation, I mused loudly, “mmmmm, chocolate!’ I will never, ever do that again. By the looks of horror one would have thought I had dropped several F-bombs
You have only yourself to blame. You should have known that self-supporting schools would not touch chocolate with a ten-foot pole; but the fat, sugar, and sodium are fine, as long as it uses sea salt. That’s why I love Little Debbies: you can indulge in pleasures that seem sinful at first glance (or should I say, they taste sinful at the first bite) but it’s OK because its SDA.
I love to eat at least two cartons of Little Debbies per day. That’s why I look so old and decrepit.
I eat three cartons a day. That’s why I have a pot belly and look so sleepy.
Never make an oral agreement with McKee’ Bakery. Oral contracts are not worth the paper they’re printed on.
At the Little Debbie’s sales, it’s so crowded that people don’t go there any more.
I once saw some streakers run across the field at the stadium. I couldn’t tell if they were male or female, because they had a bag over their head.
Death is usually fatal.
You better go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t come to yours.
Hillary: “I’m an old granny now, but is it true that you still think I’m pretty?”
Bill: “It depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is!”
Hillary: “When you were President, I was called the ‘First Lady.’ What will you be called if I am elected?”
Bill: “A third-term President.”
The funniest part of this story is the caption under the photo: “See inside packet for choke hazard warning…”
I have discovered that Little Debbie’s emit an invisible force field based on Russian KGB experiments on Carob. Using the Little Debbie Carob Forceometer, I have invented a radical new psycho-barometric / psycho-kinetic device that allows me to control the stock market through the power of the Force. On any given day, I unleash my device and watch in glee as the prices of stocks, options, and futures do whatever my device and I wish. It is exciting to know that I am in control of thousands of investors and traders. This is the miracle of psycho-kinetics and magnetic psycho-energetics in conjunction with the universal uber-electron matrix discovered by Einstein’s janitor and pet hamster.
You may wonder why I haven’t used the Force through my device to make myself a millionaire. The answer is simple: I am too poor to invest. If you will just send my your life savings, I will use my device to double your money. I will then split the profits with you. Since the Force and my psycho-kinetic device cannot fail, there is no possible concern about the investment going sour. You can wire the funds to my e-mail account at SuckersAlwaysLose@email.com . May the Force be with you, and may you have a forceful (and hopefully sane) New Year.
Finally, a Little Debbie snack I can call my own! Everyone in my family can now indulge to meet the bulge and not feel guilty. I am a health nut. I’m gonna go right down to WalMart and get me a huge supply of them Little Debbie carob delicacies. Bless your little heart, Little Debbie. I love you. If I wasn’t married, I would like to marry you. I think you are a good cook! No Woe iz me this time!!
Watch it, buster. You better stop thinking about those other women, Richard. Do it again, and you’ll be in the doghouse.