Alarming Report: Compliance Committee Meetings Cause Global Warming

Not good.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Leading climate change scientists from top research centers worldwide have issued a joint statement warning that recently-formed General Conference compliance committees are contributing to global warming each time they meet.

“We’d never heard of the General Conference, let alone its compliance committees before we traced recent upticks in global temperatures to positively radioactive conference rooms in Silver Spring,” said the statement.

The scientists said that the biggest culprits were compliance committee meetings held on the topic of women’s ordination. “A mere hour-long meeting on this issue can cause noticeable damage to the ozone layer,” said the statement. Other dangerous topics were church finances and any meeting in which Sabbath morning church parking lot monitor duties were discussed.


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