SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist researchers at the Biblical Research Institute (BRI) announced today that the Promised Land to which Moses was leading the Israelites was flowing with “soy milk and honey.”
Claiming that a close look at the original Hebrew unquestionably portrays a “dairy-free” vision of the Promised Land, BRI spokesperson Kahn Vanient called on Adventists to make soy products more of a priority in their lives.
“If the Israelites spent forty years crossing the desert, encouraged by the promise of soy milk, the least you could do is incorporate this delicious beverage into your daily breakfast routine,” said Vanient.
He claimed that BRI researchers were just scratching the surface of what original manuscripts said about dairy and meat subsititutes.
“We are pretty sure the fatted calf in the Prodigal Son story was actually a batch of medium-firm tofu.”
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You forgot to mention the Manna was really Little Debbies. Even on the Sabbath they were fresh. A different flavor every week.
ADVENTIST ALSO CLAIM ELLEN WHITE IS A PROPHET.