SILVER SPRING, Md. —- “As of this coming Sabbath, Adventist church bulletins around the world will carry dating listings featuring single church members within a 50-mile radius of any given church,” announced General Conference Youth Leader Fred Rand at a press briefing today.
“Single Adventists keep complaining to me that that there are no other Adventists available for them to date,” said Rand. “That is a complete myth.”
He claimed that the real problem was a “relationship status awareness deficit” within the church. “Armed with the dating listings, single Adventists around the world will able to able to flirt with a renewed sense of confidence and purpose,” said Rand.
“We are finally taking the guess work out of romantic church hopping,” said Daniel Reinen from Portland, Ore., who confesses to frequently driving two or more hours to check out the singles scene in Adventist churches around the Pacific Northwest. “Up until now it has been super hard to tell if an Adventist is taken. A lot of us don’t wear wedding rings even when married. PDA is frowned upon. I get to new churches and I have no idea who is available!”
The GC Youth Department has created a set of guidelines to accompany the dating listings. The guidelines remind Adventist singles that they will have to take some initiative on Sabbath morning: “Go introduce yourself during the meet and greet. Maybe take things further at potluck.”
“You can’t just sit there and expect your listing to do all the work,” added Rand. “You still have to work out your own salvation.”
That’s too much work to keep up with that. The pastors wife could be the webmaster or the web mistress and simply post interested singles onto the homepage. That page could then be shown on the video screen as people come into the main service. Kind of like Craigslist. Why the pastors wife? Well she has so much time on her hands, right?
Great idea! I am notifying our church secretary to begin ordering these bulletins ASAP. Will the front covers still be just as colorful? Unable to control myself!! Woe is me!!
Once we have identified the singles, why not have each church pin a bright green ribbon on them for easier identification. Once the single person is in a relationship they can exchange the green ribbon for a yellow one, signifying ‘caution’ . If they reach the ‘engaged’ state the ribbon should be red.
This would give the single person a pathway to marital success with distinct measurement points.
Just one more way the church is helping the single person in our midst!
Then all married persons should also wear red ribbons instead of those worldly wedding rings.
It’s a win-win all the way around.
Dave, I love your tongue-in-cheek humor about the ribbons. I wish I had such a clever imagination. For anyone who still thinks wedding rings are worldly, they should visit GodLovesJewelry.com and read the Bible verses gathered there.
Another hilarious masterpiece of satire. I love these stories that are too fantastic to be real, and yet carry a deep message. This one points out the importance of wearing wedding rings and the need to help SDA singles find each other. Is AdventistSinglesConnection.com not helpful enough?