SILVER SPRING, Md. —- “As of this coming Sabbath, Adventist church bulletins around the world will carry dating listings featuring single church members within a 50-mile radius of any given church,” announced General Conference Youth Leader Fred Rand at a press briefing today.
“Single Adventists keep complaining to me that that there are no other Adventists available for them to date,” said Rand. “That is a complete myth.”
He claimed that the real problem was a “relationship status awareness deficit” within the church. “Armed with the dating listings, single Adventists around the world will able to able to flirt with a renewed sense of confidence and purpose,” said Rand.
“We are finally taking the guess work out of romantic church hopping,” said Daniel Reinen from Portland, Ore., who confesses to frequently driving two or more hours to check out the singles scene in Adventist churches around the Pacific Northwest. “Up until now it has been super hard to tell if an Adventist is taken. A lot of us don’t wear wedding rings even when married. PDA is frowned upon. I get to new churches and I have no idea who is available!”
The GC Youth Department has created a set of guidelines to accompany the dating listings. The guidelines remind Adventist singles that they will have to take some initiative on Sabbath morning: “Go introduce yourself during the meet and greet. Maybe take things further at potluck.”
“You can’t just sit there and expect your listing to do all the work,” added Rand. “You still have to work out your own salvation.”