LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Matilda Burnham who celebrated her 105th birthday in Loma Linda today, stunned family and friends by retrieving a real chocolate cake from her fridge for dessert. “For decades upon decades I have settled for less in life,” said Burnham, “Today, I repent and am putting carob firmly behind me in the unsavory past to which it belongs.”
Immediately after her remarks, Burnham cut herself a thick slice of German Chocolate and wordlessly proceeded to devour it in less than 60 seconds not once pausing to look up or catch her breath. As she finished, shocked loved ones broke into applause, many dabbing at tears with their party napkins.
“I have never felt more alive,” said Burnham as she washed down the last of her dessert with a swig of cranberry Martinelli’s. “I can’t believe it has taken me this long to take the plunge.”
Reminding everyone present that “even to someone that has lived as long as me, life is short,” Burnham reached for the cake knife again. As she did she paused momentarily and cupped a hand to her ear before cutting herself another sizeable slice. “I thought for a second I heard thunder,” she said with a smile.