COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — “After years of intense competition, Walla Walla has dealt Southern a death blow,” read an internal Walla Walla University administration memo that was leaked this morning.
For decades, Southern Adventist University and Walla Walla University have been locked in a bitter rivalry over which Adventist institution produces more married or engaged students at graduation. A controversial decision to require all single students to register at a newly-created Department for the Arrangement of Marriage may tip the scales in favor of Walla Walla.
“We want to be known as the destination to send Adventist college students to ensure they marry another Adventist,” said Vice President for Student Life, John Chambers. “Academics are important, but the reality is that you can read books anywhere. Adventist marriage, on the other hand, is a vital educational outcome.”
“Arranged marriage was widely practiced in Bible times and is still common in cultures all over the world. In fact, divorce rates are lower in cultures that practice arranged marriage,” said Dr. Jane Shawster, a sociologist on the Walla Walla governing board. “We want to pioneer this time-tested approach in Adventist education.”
The Department for the Arrangement of Marriage will partner with family and friends of each student to ensure that, by their junior year, each has been found an appropriate marriage match.
To further incentivize students to marry, all graduation candidates that are married or engaged will automatically graduate with honors regardless of their GPA.
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This is incredibly lame! First of all, not all the students at WWU are SDA, and even half of the students who are, well, how can you guarantee they want to get married. Why would every student be forced to enroll in this program? I do not want my daughter to be in this program and she is attending next year. Southern now looks better to me.
Graduating with honors just because you are married regardless of GPA? That is going to really make students mad when they have worked their tails off for honors, and someone else who is just squeaking by gets married and is all of a sudden allowed honors!? Seriously! Come on WWU! There has got to be a better way to get students from the competition! What about a guaranteed job?
This is all satirical… Just a joke, no one would ever do that. Haha, I found it funny.
This article is a complete joke. I can assure you. I am a student a Walla Walla.
I got a good laugh out of this. I went to college at SAU, soon after its name had changed from “SMC” in the 80’s. Students still had an affectionate nickname for it: “Southern Matrimonial College.” I wish readers would lighten up and enjoy the humor on this site. It’s all in good fun.
Funny I know someone that goes there. Just graduating and getting married next week. What’s to not believe seeing this?
You do know this is a joke right? Haha?
How can any educated Adventist person mistake these articles for being real? #SMH
I hope so
I think MSK realized it was satire, and was responding in kind.
Regardless, whether truth or satirical, many SDA kids and grown adult were raised with the engrained belief that to “Do it Right,” simply doing it the Adventist way is exactly as the article read, “Academics are important, but the reality is that you can read books anywhere. Adventist marriage, on the other hand, is a vital educational outcome..” I did it the Adventist way the first time I married, I did it AL RIGHT (correctly) FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS… Lasted seven years, divorced, now remarried to my soulmate, and best friend…. No longer an Adventist, my second husband is not Adventist either, but both of us are Christ Followers, and very active in our church. There is more truth to the basis of the story than meets the eye, don’t let it fool you!
This might be the worst idea to ever make out of someone’s head.
Wow. It’s not a joke. It’s a lie.
Some people need to grow a sense of humor. The LACK of one might have something to do with why I’m no longer a practicing Adventist.
I am a practicing Adventist, but this is a good point.
I really think this whole page is one big Ha ha..Somebody has a wild imagination and I do hope no one takes it seriously. To me it is hilarious. Especially the 96 year old woman.
Many will go to hell from SDA,they do not know God, their hearts are centered at believing SDA will take them to heaven. Church belongs to God and its a spiritual family, not a denominational thing. Marriage is a ministry arranged by God, God says who should be your wife and not people arranging wives for people.
So much divorce is found in USA, because many have lost the mark and The WORD.
Let everyone here be careful not to be swerve of from the real truth, SDAs have lost the mark, they do not know God, nonSDAs enjoys better communion with God these days. The first shall surely be the last. But may God help SDAs to wake up from sleep. Amen
You speak a mouthful of truth.
I don’t know if Jesus would be welcome in the Adventist church today, if he came back, incognito.
His message was “anti-religion,” which is why the pharisees hated him so, and had to kill him to shut him up.
“Man is not made for the Sabbath, the Sabbath is made for man,” he said.
To the Rich Young Ruler (Luke 12), “Go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.”
To his disciples (Matthew 25), “Feed the hungry. Care for the sick. Visit the prisoners. Shelter the homeless. Whatever you have done for them, you have done for me. And whatever you have not done for them, you have not done for me.”
To the THIEF (criminal, sinner) on the next cross, “Today you will be with me in paradise.”
Jesus had little use for church, doctrine, religion, theology. HIs message was very simple. Love each other, care for each other, help each other.
In the parable of the Good Samaritan, he says that it doesn’t matter whether you are a Jew (a Believer) or a Samaritan (an Un-Believer), what matters is what you do.
I know, I’m a very bad heretic, so burn me at the stake!
Great words!! What touch me more is that we all have to understand for truth that the Church is a Spiritual thing, not the denominations(divisions) we have today. Which have failed the spiritual law of oneness, even as God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit is one. Thus no sort of division can make heaven. Jesus picks those who belongs to his church spirirtually, denomination will not save anywhere, do not confined yourself to one denomination, go to all and put in light there, if you are of Christ and represent light, all the errors of denomination need to be corrected. @Ray Kraft– great words. please email me: firstname.lastname@example.org. You are a real person!
Not praising you, but my piece of mind, from this little comment of yours above!
is any student complaining? i think marriage is open to whoever is ready…. did i here any one against match making? its roots r in the bible, i c most of it there …. religions! yaa right, in heaven no denominations………… remind me then who started it… was it not GOD himself when He chose a particular race ( Hebrews ) for himself. Dont look at which religion, look into ur heart, thinking u r christian yet not following christ`s example iz a ZERO………. Nolonger adventist, sorry for ur loss, if u had handled ur marriage the adventist way it would have survived, u never know, maybe by the seventh year the one u r in right now with have perished too. email@example.com