FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
SILVER SPRING, Md. — It is with heavy hearts that we announce the bankruptcy of the Pathfinder Department exactly one week after the unfortunate launch of our latest honor: Jetpacking.
We admit Adventist Risk Management warned us months ago the Jetpack patch was a horrible idea but after being cooped up for months during the coronavirus lockdown, we were looking for something to break the monotony.
We thought about just releasing Advanced Paint By Numbers as our next patch but that bored us even more than re-reading our insurance policy.
Although the first day of the Jetpacking honor was a blast, we immediately began receiving reports of Pathfinders stuck in trees, crashlanding into lakes and – we may have been involved in this one – smashing through the glass ceiling of the General Conference headquarters last Friday.
GC Legal has been lecturing us all week about the lawsuits that are piling up, especially as Risk Management has completely washed their hands of us.
We’ve had the entire Treasury department hanging out in our office all day and the only way to get them to leave was declaring bankruptcy and loaning our remaining jetpacks to their department picnic.
ABOUT PATHFINDERS: We used to be one of the coolest things about being Adventist. We made sure you knew how bad you were at marching and taught you how to carve crazy good soap art. Our camps offered less sleep, more memories and better haystacks than any other church event. Admit it: you’ll miss us.