BRACKNELL, England — In an effort to boost enrollment for the coming academic year, Newbold College has settled on a new marketing slogan: “We’re Still Open.” The only Adventist institution based in the United Kingdom, Newbold has suffered disturbingly low enrollment figures for over a decade.
“We did not come to our new marketing slogan easily,” said Newbold’s Marketing Coordinator, Jan Svensen. “Several good suggestions were made by students, lecturers and alumni.” Svensen said that close runner-ups in order of popularity were:
- “Newbold: We Have No Rules”
- “Newbold: There’s a Pub Next Door”
- “Newbold: Free Umbrella at Registration”
“We’re still hands-down the best place for 19-year-old Adventist Americans that want to go home with a fake British accent,” said Registrar Geert Barnhardt. “You don’t even have to study. Just enroll and then travel Europe. We simply need warm bodies at this juncture.”
In addition to cheerful pictures of the same five students posing in front of Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and Stonehenge, Newbold is including information on pizza delivery services in welcome packets for international students who wish to avoid British food.
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The pub next door closed. 🙁